Oct 28, 2010

Long Beach Threatens Some Hideous Pirate Invasion - Lamont Goes To Largely Ineffectual "War Footing"!

(Editorial Note: This article will make absolutely no sense unless you have followed recent past articles - and then it still might not make any sense. But, in order to capture the sheer inanity of the Lamont Blog, it is essential to read it regularly. Thank you!) As something that can only happen in the lowly and decidedly kooky Town of Lamont, the Lamont Blog, acting as an honest although clumsy communication agent, seems to have started some mini-civil war or something because of some dumb article, addressing the very real challenges of attracting tourists in these challenging financial times, somehow came up with a line of drivel that inadvertently included pirates, and that doggone Long Beach, as is often there nature, somehow became offended because they, of course, have a large percentage of their population who claim active pirate parentage (seriously, they have entire pirate organizations over there and all!), and thus, to save their municipal honor (something Lamont has never had to worry about!), threatened the cowardly and poltroon-like Town of Lamont with some pirate-like invasion or whatever.

"Well, given that we are the 2nd smallest town in the State and nothing of any note ever really happens here - we feel honor bound and tied to the wings of destiny to over-react to this largely humorous and decidedly playful threat with characteristic overkill and general municipal excess!" said an area Mayor who still, after several days or weeks of practice, sounds more like that Russian "Checkov" guy from Star Trek than he does a half way decent pirate worthy of the name or whatever! "Heck, Lamont has no choice but to go on a 'war footing' and we have already called up all of our reserves which, fortunately or unfortunately for us, consists largely of our 4-legged friends - those Bullyboys of the Bovine Brigade - yes, the area cattle herds themselves! (Well, when you have less than 100 people, no stores and cannot even manage the organizational baseline to put in a truly public bathroom in 100 years, a town must oftentimes resort to desperate measures! Plus, all that free milk on the front lines can only help improve the morale of our beleaguered and skittish troops!). "Anyway, our plan of defense consists of 3 basic tenants. 1) We will lay a quite extensive 'cow patty' minefield to the west of town, thus hampering an unfettered approach by the said pirates, who aren't used to operating on land and all. Thankfully for us, Lamont is now and always has been one big cow patty minefield, so that doesn't really require that much effort on our part. 2) We have any number of volunteers (all bovines, given the cowardly nature of our citizenry!) who will dress up as and thus infiltrate the pirate ranks, hopefully sowing discord and getting in a few head butts at some critical juncture in the battle. These, of course, will be led by that rebel leader of some renown, the quite capable and cleverly disguised "Moo-Beard' himself! And finally, 3) Of course we will surrender and beg for mercy! Being Lamont, we have long ago learned that showing complete submission to the outside world, with all the requisite groveling and sniveling, is one darn effective survival strategy! So, bring it on, yea nave-like pirate rabble! "We've a surprise or two tucked up our big, puffy sleeves - like some hidden pirate dagger or whatever!" he concluded embarrassingly, once again sounding more like some Russian peasant from "War and Peace" than the burly spawn of the scourge of the seas - descendants of the once proud Bluebeard himself!! (Editorial Note: For the record, we at the Lamont Blog stole the name "Moo-Beard' from the internet as a somewhat lackluster play off of 'Bluebeard', so all shame and ridicule belongs with the original author and not with us. Thank you!)


Long Beach said...



Long Beach

Erika said...

Is that cow on a teeter totter????


Lamont, Washington - email at lamont.activities@gmail.com said...

Hey Erika!
Oh, I can't believe my cats ate all that garlic flat bread! Oops!

PS - Darn your eyes, woman!

Lucy Dagger said...

ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR ye Bovine Pirates are no match fer REAL Long Beach Pirates! We be seeing ye soon enough!

of the Beards Hollow Pirates
of Long Beach!