Oct 21, 2010

Area Mayor Resorts To 'Extra-Parliamentary' Measures To Ensure Passage Of Latest Largely Meaningless Town Business

(Caution: Reader discretion is advised. Those with sensitive natures or weak stomachs should think twice before reading this article. Thank you!) As many if not most of you know, The Great State of Washington, in their genuine wisdom and forethought, did not extend the right of mayoral veto to the incorporated entities known as 'towns', thus forcing town mayors to use various forms of persuasion and cajoling to push thru ordinances or motions or whatever else it is that towns are supposed to push thru or pass or whatever. Given that towns, by definition, are smaller and obviously not worthy of the much more exalted title of 'City' like that fancy-pants Long Beach or whatever - so to grant one person the power of the veto would devote too much legislative control to one individual, or so the prevailing wisdom goes. (And let's be honest, if you are the Mayor of a town that doesn't even have a store, the less power you have the better! I mean, come on!) Anyway, given this well-founded state of affairs, an area mayor, dusting off some obscure parliamentary maneuver hidden somewhere in the obnoxious Robert's Rules of Order, a book no sane person has ever read, unleashed this procedural 'slight of hand' to exert his will on the unfortunate and luckless Town Council, late Monday.

"Well, the mayor, as is his nature, came up with some hair-brained scheme or idiotic boondoggle or whatever, and I just didn't see the value of it!" said an unnamed Councilperson currently undergoing counseling at an area mental health facility. "So, when I just stood my ground and offered up a compromise measure that would largely gut the insane parts of his proposal while retaining the very small part that actually had limited merit, you know, in the spirit of compromise and all, the next thing I knew, the Mayor bolted up from his chair, cocked one hip, and basically threatened the Council with a full blown display of that abomination of human motion - yes, that God-cursed dance routine known too kindly as 'The Rump Shaker"! Oh, it was so horrid! Just the thought of that unnatural and decidedly un-American monstrosity was enough to make me cave in and capitulate. Anything to spare the Town that level of horror and misery! Oh, I cannot even talk about it. But his threat of unleashing 'The Rump Shaker' on us is 1000 times more devastating than any measly veto could ever be! As long as he holds that unholy whip in his hands, he basically holds the Council at bay and can pretty much push thru whatever the heck he wants to! I'll do anything to avoid exposing my person to that beastly display of human nightmarishness! Oh, anything but that, please! Oh, anything but that!" she sobbed insanely!

"Well, Lamont is a town that plays by the book, so if we get a Councilperson who wants to throw a stick in the spokes from time to time, I really do not feel any compunction against using the very foundations of the English Common Law tradition, as expressed by the that insufferably boring and mundane "Robert's Rules of Order' to bust thru those logjams! I believe it was Sir Walter Leadbottom, 3rd Duke of County Derry Aire in England or whatever who first used the threat of 'The Rump Shaker' to pass some land reform bill or whatever the heck they were doing back then - you know, back in the 1600's or whatever. And it was so wildly successful, that that most boring of chroniclers, that Roberts guy, put it in his obscenely tedious book - which means it is fair game for me! Ha! When you have the law and tradition on your side, the world is your oyster!" he crowed triumphantly!

(Editorial Note: This so called dance move - the appropriately named and decidedly sanity destroying "Rump Shaker" is too unnerving and unnatural to describe in great detail here, but rest assured that the avoidance of same can prove to be such a powerful human motivator that basic reason and civic responsibility are quite frequently sacrificed on the alter of self-preservation. This so called 'dance move' should not be attempted in your city/town - let alone practiced in the safe confines of your home - like our stupid mayor does. Use Lamont as an example of how following the letter of the Law can have disturbing and quite unsettling consequences! Thank you!)

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