Oct 19, 2010

Area Mayor Adopts New Town Personae To Help Attract Highly Competitive Pirate Tourist Dollars

The decidedly ocean-less Town of Lamont, long known as a place that no sane tourist would ever willingly go to unless running from the mafia, a mother-in-law or law enforcement itself, jumped with both feet into the highly volatile, some would say cut-throat, world of competing for the relatively small but fast growing market for pirate tourist dollars. "Well, let's be honest here! Beggars cannot be choosers! Arrrrgh!" said an area mayor whose pirate accent somehow sounds more like some dude from Russia or something than it does a real pirate, for Pete's sake. (Oh, how embarrassing!). "I mean, if we don't do something here to attract tourists, and quick, those doggone citizens are going to make me walk the plank or run me up the yardarm, whatever the heck that is! Sure, Lamont is 100 years old and we never managed to put in a public restroom, so that gives you an idea on the basic underlying organization and follow-thru skills that is inherent in the area population for miles around - but to expect miracles in a very short period of time, at least as it relates to tourist dollars, just seems a little unfair, that's all." he sniveled annoyingly.

"I mean, you would have thought that Chicken Little was finally set free and the sky was falling when we got a new dog ordinance. And then we got the water system with fire hydrants galore, which only people in and around Lamont would be against - then we paved roads, and oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth that accompanied that was deafening - oh yeah, then we got the funding for the library and half the farmers/ranchers within 20 miles had a cow because this town don't need no fancy book learning. And then we modified any number of other antiquated processes and you would think that it was an alien invasion from 'War of the Worlds' or whatever. Believe me, never in the history of western civilization has a population been more adverse to change, but all of a sudden having everyone dress up as pirates so that we could attract a few doubloons of stolen Spanish gold was something that should have happened yesterday? That just seems a little insane to me, that's all. But, being the mayor, I guess we have ignored the will of the people long enough by bringing them kicking and screaming into the early 19th century - so maybe we should throw them a bone and bend to the fickle winds of the citizenry on this pirate thing. Who knows? I just wish there was some Mayor book or whatever. I have tried to talk to other mayors, but they either assume that I am kidding (or insane!) when I try to explain Lamont or they just begin loudly praising the Lord and thanking Him for the towns they serve - well, that is when they do not just hang up on me as soon as I introduce myself!" he expounded pathetically. "How can you be against pavement and libraries but for pirate tourists? Oh, why did I have to get the crazy town when they were handing out mayor assignments? Why couldn't I get one of those cool, hip, groovy towns like Fairfield or Tekoa? And the bad part is, that stupid Long Beach could probably pull off this whole pirate thing without making a fuss at all - given the fact that they have a real ocean and whatnot! Darn that fancy-pants Long Beach and their beady little eyes, too!" he whined, once again sounding more Russian than pirate. I mean, how do you confuse Russian with that whole pirate thing? Something is just really very wrong there!


Lucy Dagger said...

Aye I be a Long Beach Pirate of the Beards Hollow Pirates! Yes we do pull it off quite nicely! Plundering a little here and a little there and having fun all the while with the community! We could come give you pirate lessons if it would help!

Yours truly,
Lucy Dagger of the
Long Beach Beard Hollow Pirates!

wendy said...

We do have a band o' Pirates and they are talking about an invasion of Lamont! Keep a look out for those squirrely Beards Hollow Pirates.