Nov 29, 2008

Cow With Ugly, Undersized Calf Attempts Brazen "Switcheroo" With More Handsome, Healthy Calf – Resulting Brawl Engulfs Palouse

The sound of heads colliding could be heard for miles as tempers flared into actual combat across the Palouse after the mother of an undersized calf not worth a bucket of chicken feathers attempted to stealthily abscond with a bright, chipper, downright handsome calf belonging to another cow, late Tuesday. "Well, we had finally got the whole mother/calf bonding situation under control and were worried about winter feed and our pasture rotation plan - and the next thing you know the whole herd is up in arms and acting like a “Best Of” episode of the Jerry Springer Show, for Pete's sake!!!" said Flem Snopes, an area rancher. "That poor mother took one look at that new, thin, nerdy-looking calf down there trying to nurse and began bawling to beat all I ever seen. Next thing you know the cows had divided up along bloodlines and the stage was set for real trouble. Although this should have only involved the two mothers, as is typical, cows by there very nature are always looking to rumble and love nothing more than a good fight and it does not take much for complete pandemonium to descend out of nowhere" said the unfortunate rancher. "Heck, we even had neighboring herds knocking down fences to come join the ruckus to try to get a few licks in! It was like a 4-legged, bovine version of the dadburn Arab/Israeli conflict.” Cows, although seemingly docile, are known for holding grudges that make even the most bitter mother-in-law look like the saint of forgiveness - so long simmering rivalries and feuds can exist right under the surface for years until just the right spark comes along. “And if that darn neighbor thinks I am going to pay to put that fence back up that his half-starved rabble stamped into the ground, he has another thing coming" said the peeved yet cost-sensitive rancher.

Order was restored after the respective calves were returned to their rightful mothers, alfalfa was sprinkled ¼ mile from the sight of the melee to draw off the combatants and the rancher, for his part, agreed to do a better job at removing the manure from around the saltlick and to get a new feeding trough behind the barn. Renewed sensitivity training will also be provided so that the entire herd understands the importance of the mother/calf bond so that this is less likely to occur in the future. No charges were filed but the mother of the nerdy, undersized calf will more than likely be placed on the cull list this year where she belongs.

As if the world needed any more examples, this serves to remind us of the hazards of coveting thy neighbors calf (golden or not), even if yours is undersized and nerdy and probably won't sell for more than $200 at the big auction in the Tri-Cities in the Fall.

1 comment:

No relation to Snopes said...

Flem Snopes, a "peeved yet cost-sensitive rancher."

Yes, cost-sensitive is a phrase we can expect to hear a lot these next four years.

Cost-sensitive is the neo-liberal way of saying "fiscally conservative" without uttering a Republican term.

By the way, wasn't it Flem's computer geek son Rifekel who started You knew him, right? Rifekel Snopes? Couldn't shoot worth a darn, except his mouth. Always talked like he was chewing a huge wad of taffy.