Mar 19, 2009

Town Saved From 'Giant Mutant Rodent' By Equally Frightening (yet lovable) 'Giant Mutant Kitten'

(Caution: Metaphors in use. Parts of this story might never have actually happened)
The Town of Lamont was miraculously saved from obliteration late Tuesday after a giant kitten appeared out of nowhere to thwart a determined and other-worldly assault from an incredibly giant and menacing rodent of unknown origins. "Well, I was walking outside to check my mail when all of a sudden I just blurted out "dang, what stinks?" said a local resident. "So, my first thought was that it was my nosy neighbor sneaking up behind me again to see what kind of mail I had received, so when I turned around and realized that, in fact, a giant rodent hell-bent on madness and mayhem was about to destroy the town, I pretty much lost interest in my "past due" notice from the electric company" he said. "And just about the point where I was driven to the depths of madness by that demonic, ear splitting 'squeaking' and felt certain that those ugly, yellow teeth the size of refrigerators were about to send me to the great beyond, (thankfully, the nightmarish rodent's unwanted attentions were initially drawn to his nosy, malodorous, hysterically shrieking neighbor - thus proving that even unspeakable evil cannot be all bad, after all!) this huge kitten appeared out of no where to dispatch the ghastly rodent before any real harm could be done. Now, don't get me wrong, I have always been a dog person and can't stand any living thing that doesn't kow-tow to my every word, whether they be human or animal, (which might explain why he is on his 4th marriage) but I have to admit that giant feline was indeed a sight for sore eyes!" said the long-time town fixture while beaming now-toothless gums.

"Of course, the gargantuan kitten, quite appropriately, does not possess the 'killer instinct' yet (preferring compromise, consensus and team problem-solving over a bare-knuckles 'smack down') and was thus forced to just 'play' with the foul beast until it finally died of exhaustion somewhere over by the Tri-Cities or Steptoe or wherever, but those natural hunting skills will surely develop over time as he saves other unsuspecting towns from an apocalypse-like demise at the claws of the dastardly rodent of complacency, stubbornness, hide-bound tradition and personal self interest over the collective town good, I'm sure" he said sympathetically. (Quiz: the kitten represents?: A) Century West Engineering; B) The Town Council; C) Both A and B; D) I have no clue what any of this is about, for Pete's sake, but rodents give me the creeps!!!)

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Go kitty, go! The surest and quickest way to kill a town is to not have a vision. Tim Waters said,
"Change is a given... Only improvement is optional."

Rodent Rumble 2009! said...

The sad part of the story is that later in the month, the Giant Kitten was forced to attend "sensitivity training", so as not to see a raging Rodent From Hell as an evil force to be vanquished from the Earth, but rather, a special and unique individual with unmet needs and underutilized talents that requires "differently enabled" tasking to channel its voracious energies.

Just kidding.

The answer is "C".