Mar 20, 2009

Local Bad Speller Spends Nightmarish Week In Hellish Wasteland When All He Wanted Was A Little Ice Cream

A local rancher, Bubba Bodine, learned the importance of paying attention to details late last month when, after repeatedly being asked about his vacation preferences and only grunting unhelpfully in response, his wife finally wrote her preference on a piece of paper and handed it to him at the dinner table. "Oh my goodness. What the heck just happened to me?" said the rancher while stumbling off the bus upon returning from only the 2nd family vacation in 27 years of marriage. "The wife had been droning on at me for months about this vacation she wanted to take and I tried to tell her that this was the height of the "professional wrestling" (pronounced 'rasslin') season and any time was a bad time - so finally I just quit listening as I fantasized about my favorite wrestler (pronounced 'rassler') "The Rebel Rodeo Clown" making it all the way thru "Smack Down 2009" and winning that fantastically cool belt buckle I would give a kidney to own - when, out of the blue, the wife handed me a piece of paper asking me, or so I believed, if I wanted some dessert - to which I enthusiastically agreed. We were at the dinner table, for Pete's sake!! All I wanted was something sweet and soothing to calm my nerves before the 'rasslin' matches started at 7:00 PM. I tend to get worked up, you know? Plus, I just got my new 'rasslin' outfit back from the cleaners - chaps and all!!" said the inattentive but now much wiser rancher.

"So, before I knew it, the wife had booked tickets on the bus from here to Death Valley (second class, of course, since farmers /ranchers always travel cheap so there is more money to spend at those roadside souvenir shops), and 'rasslin' or no 'rasslin' I was going on this trip after the wife made some passing reference to "Lorena Bobbit" getting a bum deal when sentenced by the judge. Anyway!" he mumbled thru sunburned lips. "My momma always said that things like spelling would come in handy one day on the ranch, but you know how mothers is - always going on about this thing or that thing. How was I to know the generic term for a sweet, creamy after-dinner snack had more than one "S". I feel like I was tricked!!" he whined! "All I remember after stepping on that scorpion that climbed in my boot were those buzzards that just kept circling and circling and circling. That, and the fact that my water-starved tongue swelled up like a toad! It was just horrible. All I could think after regaining consciousness 5-6 hours later was that listening to your wife is important. Painful, but important! Oh, why didn't my momma ever tell me that? Oh momma, you done me wrong!" he sobbed.

"I should have listened to my mother when she warned me not to marry the only son dumb enough to stay on the ranch!" said the wife. "I asked him where he wanted to go until I was blue in the face, and after grunt number 2,192 I figured I better write it down for him. It's not my fault that he cannot spell. I could train our dog to tell the difference between 'desert' and 'dessert'!! Lord knows I tried to teach him over the years!!" she said resignedly. "And oh, you should have seen him blubber when he got that little scorpion sting! You would have thought a Great White shark took his leg off below the knee! It was all so humiliating. At least next year we are going to the Everglades to see all those pretty birds and the alligators. My husband never could resist a quick swim on a hot day in August" she giggled demurely, gazing off into the sunset as if by doing so the times and seasons would hasten their plodding, measured pace.

2 comments:

Tim from Idaho said...

Oh, I get it! There is no "S" in ice cream! That was an easy one!

Anonymous said...

Quit whining, Bubba. You didn't even wait until the hot weather arrived. For Pete's sake---it's only in the 80's now!