Mar 2, 2009

Entire Town "Unimpressed" After Area Rancher Adopts "Monocle" As Way Of Exerting Social Dominance Over Peers

In an all too common insight into the fierce competitive social environment that area ranchers must survive in, local rancher Jed Bodine has resorted to wearing an affectation that, in his opinion, gives him that added air of sophistication and class that he needs to stay one step ahead of his rancher peers in the cutthroat social climate maintained by ranchers that have more than 500 cows. "Well, once you reach the magic number of 500 cows, the differences between individual ranch families pretty much blur into meaninglessness" said Bodine. "And given the natural rancher desire to look down on others and to be able to have some physical, outward sign of advantage and superiority, it just seemed logical to adopt an inefficient and cumbersome corrective lens that is indicative of 'old world' class, charm and snobbery. Plus, it gives the impression that I can do just as much work as the next guy with only one eye!" he said gleefully. "Of course, I can't see a darn thing but that is not the point, is it? What is important is not what I can actually do, but what others see me as doing - just like me going to that rancher church so people can see me acting all 'holier-than-thou'. Although the wife thinks I look like Winston Churchill or the Kaiser or something, it was still a stroke of genius, don't you think?" he beamed. "Just wait until "Old Man Snopes" hears about this! He'll spit his dentures right out into that vegetable soup he has to eat now that he has had his third triple by-pass! I just wish I could see that - but this monocle is just about worthless!!"

Sadly, the use of a monocle is only the latest in a long line of passive-aggressive ploys used across the region to "best' their fellow ranchers. Last year, several ranchers wore full tuxedos during round-up (rented, of course), adopted full grown Bengal tigers as house pets (which was none too popular with the herd!) and replaced the traditional 'baseball caps" with fetching yet awkward "silk top hats" that were indeed impressive but proved entirely unsuited for wearing while driving a tractor. (although one enterprising man installed a football helmet chin strap that seemed to improve things somewhat) Thankfully, there is no unnatural desire to compete against the citizens with fewer than 500 cows since they are obviously not a part of the 'cow aristocracy' and are below contempt in the first place. This last point is, at least, one thing that the 'rancher class' can all agree upon and could be used as a building block to begin the healing process and to stop the endless cycle of destructive competition that makes the Palouse a less than friendly place to live sometimes.

1 comment:

Made In Carolina said...

That's right. Them mid-Southern fellers from Arkansas adopted top hats long ago and look how well-off they are now. The Clintons and the whole entire Wal-Mart corporation moved in! Yee ha!

What most folks don't know is that a contingent of ranchers expecting to blow the roof off the class wars [do wars have roofs? I'll leave that to the philosophers] is secretly practicing "The Charleston" in a flapper revival somewhere in an abandoned building previously known for its locally-sponsored social events.

They all got together one night with their Lettermen jackets on to watch David Letterman and accidentally left the set running when Craig Ferguson came on. Attracted at once by the Scottish accent, they were compelled to listen to his patter and when he started using his "jazz hands", there was no question how them boys would up the ante amongst their cow-tipping peers.