Mar 25, 2009

Local Mayor Gets Roped Into Going To Some "Chick Thing" At Spokane Opera House

In a bold move that is sure to strain the very fibers of his otherwise robust and secure gender identity, a local mayor buckled under outrageous pressure and agreed to attend (under duress, it should be noted) the annual Bi-County Music Festival in support of the local Middle and High School kids from Lamont, although his 'male radar' gave him ample warning that there was a high probability that this was, in fact, 'a major chick thing' and he was liable to be miserable and feel out of place amongst all the 'fancy people' with all their color coordinated clothes and normal looking haircuts. "Well, one of my good friends, Ruth Simpson, has a daughter that sings like an angel - or so I am told, being tone deaf and all, and she was in the High School Honor Choir - so the nonstop nagging, griping, bribing and cajoling for me to go to the thing began early" said the still stunned and confused mayor. "So, after trotting out my usual list of excuses like having surgery that day, being drafted by the Army and having to report to boot-camp and/or expecting a call from the Governor on important Homeland Security issues affecting the safety of our great nation, and having each of these shot down like the 'bogus bags of hot air' that they were, I was left with the cold, hard realization that I might not be able to get out of this one after all. It was really quite disconcerting" he whined!

"First off, when we got there I realized, much to my consternation, that it is not even called the "Spokane Opera House' anymore, it is some "INB Performing Art Center" or some such thing. Sudden changes like that can really throw me into a downward cycle. Then, as I shuffled across the impressive lobby towards the seating, taking in the panoramic views of the river, all I could think while looking at that beautiful water and lush, green grass was that there was not a single cow in sight! I mean 'what the heck'? All that water and grass and not a single cow! No wonder this country is going to hell in a hand basket! What waste! What decadence! And then I made the mistake of looking up and seeing the listing for the coming attractions and, much to my horror, noted that some darn thing called the 'Cirque de la Symphonie' was coming in April. The dang thing doesn't even have an English name - so who knows what sort of "Commie loving" organization is putting that thing on. Oh, and something quite appropriately called 'Mancini Madness' is coming up soon, too! The whole thing just gave me the shivers!" he shuddered. "And I could just tell by the furnishings and nice carpet that this was one of those places that doesn't even have a 'spit cup" holder built right into the seats. Whoa!!! What a thing to skimp on! I mean spend a few bucks on the things that matter, for Pete's sake!"

Although unconfirmed, early reports indicate that the mayor did indeed have a good time, although when asked he conveniently changes the subject and asks if anyone wants to go throw the football or shoot guns or something. "Well, I looked over at him a couple of times, and he was actually tapping his foot and drumming his fingers (off key, of course), said an observer. "There was one awkward moment when the High School Honor Band was playing a lively tune and the mayor asked a horrified (and unknown) woman sitting next to him if she wanted to dance, but after being curtly rejected and having the irate and fussy usher whisper emphatically in his ear, he finally seemed to calm down and enjoy himself" she said. "I think he actually had fun, and Teresa Simpson had another flawless performance, making Lamont look good for a change" said the woman who, or so it seems, spent way too much time observing the mayor and not enough enjoying the talented youngsters.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

I totally agree on the direction of our country! I mean, every time I drive by a golf course I shudder--what a waste! Horses would just love to trot around that enclosure, eat the grass, drink from the clear pools of water, and roll in the sand traps.
If I were president I would immediately open all golf courses to horses!

Top Secret said...

Maybe next time we go, we should wear our 5.11 covert tactical shirts with our MOLLE (MOdular Lightweight Load-carrying Equipment) vests and our fire retardant tactical pants. Then NO ONE will dare question our manhood when our fingers start snappin' and our toes start tappin' and our heads start wobblin' with a big goofy grin like some crazed electric bobblehead.

Jen from Spokane said...

About time you got some culture in you Mighty Mayor! I keep telling you that it won't hurt you to come to the Big City and check out some of the stuff going on. I actually went to that Cirque de la Symphony and it was awesome...there were lots of men there and they were oohing and aahing too. How are you ever going to bring more refinement and culture to Lamont if you don't get out more?