Sep 24, 2009

Lamont Institutes 'First In The Nation' Neighborhood Watch Program Staffed Exclusively By Parrots

In a bold (and shockingly inexpensive!) move designed to tamp down on future potential crime and foster inter-species cooperation and understanding, the 2nd smallest Town in the state unveiled the latest in 'low-tech' security monitoring protocols - the 'Parrot on a Perch' program. Starting Friday, the parrots will be strategically placed throughout the town, mostly at key intersections (if Lamont has any of those!) but they also have the flexibility to be placed right outside troublesome residences, if necessary. "Well, Lamont is a sleepy place for the most part, but we have our moments!" said the ever-resourceful (and outrageously penny-pinching!) mayor. "We have that segment of the population that cries out for attention by driving back and forth while glaring at their neighbors for no particular reason - we have the angry malcontents who just like being unhappy and, of course, we have the occasional speeder and/or rabble-rouser prowling the darkness with selfish, unhealthy motivations and mischief in their hearts. All of these behaviors, we feel, can be effectively dealt with by witty, sardonic quips and clever rejoinders from a cadre of parrots placed throughout the town. I mean, who wants to be 'dissed' for bad behavior by a bird, for Pete's sake? How humiliating!!! Plus, the cost of the whole darn thing is just slightly more than mere 'chicken feed" he gushed, once again demonstrating a shocking degree of callousness or ignorance in regard to the feathered members of the animal kingdom!

The parrots, supplied to the Town by the highly efficient and forward-looking 'Erika' of Century West Engineering fame, are a highly trained and professional covey or flock or whatever it is that parrots are called when they group together (since this is cow country, we feel most comfortable with the term 'herd') - are currently going thru extensive language training and are being taught the essentials of personal (hand-to-hand just doesn't seem right!!!) combat (mostly to ward off overly curious housecats and the occasional wayward coyote) and are being drilled in the latest crowd control expressions. These expressions, tested by the nation's mother-in-laws and the U.S. Army's Psychological Warfare units on the battlefields of Afghanistan, are carefully crafted to inflict maximum personal humiliation and reproach. They include "Hey, cheer up, prune face", "Slow it down there, bird brain", and of course the all purpose "Hey buddy, I can see that your mom dresses you, but are you sure she let's you out this late at night?". The parrots are also being extensively trained to never remember any statement that includes the word "Mayor" - since that endless stream of invective from the citizenry would obviously fill up their somewhat limited memory banks in a matter of days - thus driving out the expressions necessary for crowd control and public safety. When asked, the "American Association of Parrots" expressed guarded optimism and gratitude for the role that these largely misunderstood birds will play in protecting the town, and only hope that these heroic crime-fighters will be given heated perches when the weather dips down to -20 degrees, as it seems to do each year. They were also kind enough to send 'parrot parkas' and dinosaur-like, claw-shaped gloves for the bird's comfort and protection. (at no charge, thank goodness!)

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