Sep 10, 2009

Town's Biggest Gossip Moves To Larger Town With Even Greater Gossip Potential

(Post-Publication Editorial Note: This story does not refer to any actual Lamont resident, relative, visitor or mother-in-law, living or dead, that has lived in Lamont or visited our humble Town or even driven down Highway 23 in the last 75 years. Any attempt to ascribe these attributes to any individual associated with the Town is misplaced. Please don't read this blog trying to find fault with it or your neighbors. There are enough real problems in the world without people spending valuable energy looking for something to be unhappy about and/or looking for something to stir your neighbors up about. Rather than reading this blog and getting upset, might I suggest that you volunteer at a food bank or help widows and orphans or something. Do something good - you will feel better! That good advice is courtesy of the Lamont Blog!!! Thank you!

In some perverse twist on the American Dream, a local gossip and outrageous trouble-maker decided to embrace her very real and thankfully somewhat rare (population-wise) potential by moving from the 2nd smallest town in the State to a location that, thru sheer numbers alone, will allow her to inflict even more stunning levels of human pettiness and irrational cattiness on her unsuspecting neighbors. "Well, I have lived in Lamont for over a decade and have pretty much exhausted every conceivable avenue for small-minded gossip and poisonous truth-twisting" said Burtha Brittle, a local alpha-gossip and self-described ‘miserable human being’. "In the last several years, I realized that the lengths I had to go to get equally small-minded citizens all riled up over imaginary situations was becoming far-fetched - even for me. I mean, just from a personal standpoint, and my standards are pretty low, even I was ashamed by some of the lengths I had to go to to cause unnecessary disruptions and unpleasantness" said the jaded gossip with genuine frustration. "I should not have to try that hard to make the world an uglier, more miserable place!!! I just need to live in a town where everyone has not heard my same old line of nonsense and where if I get my stories confused people won't be familiar enough with my pattern to correct me in mid-sentence. That can be annoying!! I just need new horizons to explore and new people to vex" she said. “I just have so much unpleasantness bottled up inside me it is a shame to devote it all to one town” she said while standing next to the loaded moving truck - drawing enthusiastic cheers and any number of 'high fives' from those within earshot.

For their part, the Town is eagerly waiting for the official determination that Mrs. Brittle is gone for good (rumor has it that she moved someplace out west where she came from in the first place after a tornado or something wiped out her previous lair/haunt/wicked fake-gingerbread cottage) and all the normal people in town will then boil out into the park in their long-unused ruby slippers carrying their tiny (and yappy) terriers (and the occasional wiener dog!) to have a BBQ or something and to thank the Good Lord for loving the Town enough to remove an unpleasant element once and for all. Now we can all really say “There is no place like home. There is no place like home. There is no place like Lamont, WA in the good old USA!!!" As of this writing, there is still some stuff in her yard so she might not be officially 'moved' yet, although hopes grow stronger by the day. (Side note: And we have the shofars to thank, too!)


Trouble in Spokane said...

Your writing just keeps getting better and better! I love to hear about all the fun that Lamont has :)

Sheri S. said...

I am soooo glad you printed that disclaimer, Mr. Mayor. I was afraid you were referring to me! Since Lamont is such a 'tiny town' anyone moving anywhere could be construed as moving to the 'big city.' So even though the burg where I moved to in Arizona is only 1500 people (counting family pets) I was sure that in the eyes of Lamontonians it was the 'big city.' Your disclaimer has brought tremendous relief and heart-felt sighs of thanksgiving. Sorry I can't type any more but I have to run right out and tell people about this disclaimer!!!
(and they better listen close the first time because I never repeat gossip).