Sep 20, 2009

Local Rancher Forced To Tidy Up Around Obstinate, Stubbornly Immovable Cow

A local rancher, Jeb Bodine, while grudgingly preparing his ranch for a long-postponed and decidedly unwelcome visit from his mother-in-law and her new 'significant other' (a man some years younger than herself and who is obviously using her to get access to her extensive selection of heavy farm equipment and hay storage facilities - or so the family gossip goes) was forced to direct his push mower around an unusually obstinate cow who, for whatever reason, has taken up a bold, brave protest position in his front yard and refuses to move until her demands (whatever they are!) are met. (needless to say, the use of the Weed-Eater seemed unnecessarily provocative and thus out of the question, given the delicate circumstances!) "Well, as if the visit from my mother-in-law is not enough to lower my naturally gloomy, rancher-like spirits, now I have to put up with some sort of 'cow protest' or 'passive resistance movement' or whatever this is supposed to be right in the middle of my dern front yard, for Pete's sake!!" said the flummoxed rancher.

"Back when my dad had the ranch and before all my smarter, more socially adept brothers moved away to begin their happy, fulfilling lives in places that actually have libraries and grocery stores, the cows back then had the decency to give some inkling as to why they were unhappy and what they were protesting about - but not now!" said Jeb. "I went out there as soon as the wife told me that we had a 'little problem', fresh flowers in hand, and tried to get to the bottom of the discontent - but the flowers went uneaten and the cow just refused to budge. She just sat there, staring at me with those big, accusing, cow-brown eyes - mute as a statue and twice as stubborn! How am I supposed to set things right if I don't even have any idea what the problem is or what I did wrong? I am used to that sort of treatment from the wife, but when I get it from my cattle, that is when it really hurts! I even sprinkled a trail of fresh alfalfa all the way out to the barn but the cow just refused to move. Actually, I had several cows start eating at the alfalfa trail from the wrong end, working their way towards the house so I may have just compounded my problem, doggone it!!! I feel so guilty and I don't even know what the grievance is all about. What did I do wrong?" he bellowed.

Although left in limbo as to the reason for the brewing discontent that could very well undermine the very foundation of the rancher/herd relationship itself, Jeb feels certain that as soon as the cow gets one look at his frightful mother-in-law and hears her 'fingernails-on-the-chalkboard' like screeching that seems to flow from her in one unbelievably painful, seemingly endless torrent and/or when the heifer gets a good look at that shifty, no-good, stringy 'bean-pole' of a parasite/suitor that has his sights set on replacing his wife's father (who was quietly removed to a 'private psychiatric institution' several years back after being caught up in one too many 'protest stampedes' put on by the herd to draw attention to the shocking state of bovine rights in modern America!!), that all desire for continued protest will cease and the cow, having made her point, will gladly return to the herd where she belongs and he can finally finish up the yard once and for all!! (Which, on a positive note, should allow him to be out of the house for a good 3-4 hours during the unfortunate visit that should only last a day or two (if there was any justice in the world!) but that will more than likely stretch out to as long as a week - if Jeb's wife has her obviously self-serving, shockingly insensitive, un-team-player-like way!!)

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