Sep 23, 2009

Local Toddler/House Pets Forced To Feign Death As Visiting Uncle Contemplates Second Helping Of Now Infamous '3-Bean Chili'

In a slight variation on the age old adage ‘Out of the mouths of babes flows wisdom’, an area toddler and her natural allies, the dog and cat, did everything possible given their less-than developed communication potential to warn the world of the impending catastrophe of their ‘uncouth’ uncle partaking in yet another obscenely huge helping of 3-bean chili, late Tuesday. When none of the adults present would pay the least amount of attention to their dire yet inarticulate warnings, the trio had no choice but to resort to what is by any standard ‘the last resort’- feigned death in order to draw attention to themselves so that disastrous gastronomic circumstances could be avoided.

“Well, my husband's brother, 'Uncle Tony' just happened to drop in unexpectedly and said he would be glad to stay for 3-4 days” said Erma Snopes, a local ranch wife. “Whenever he calls in advance, we always have time to rush around and schedule elective surgery or one of us has time to fall off the barn roof or something so that his stay seems less than opportune at the time or whatever – so he just started showing up right about dinnertime – suitcase in hand – so we had no choice but to say ‘yes’ to an extended stay. It just so happens that the cursed stars were all aligned against us on this particular night – he showed up and, thru sheer random chance, we were having a dinner entree that should never be allowed to be in the same room with my husband’s brother. My husband is bad enough – but his brother is worse, believe it or not! I just felt like we were being cosmically punished somehow – but what could we do?” she said. “But then my daughter and the pets began dropping like flies as ‘Uncle Tony’ began reaching for the serving spoon in the chili, and that gave me the opportunity to facilitate his hasty retreat to an area hotel in Sprague. What a Godsend! (except for that unfortunate hotel staff!!) Needless to say, all three of those little heroes got a big bowl of ice cream that night!” she beamed. “I have been blessed with a loving, supportive family and I am very thankful!” said the humble mother/wife/pet owner.

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