Sep 17, 2009

Twelve Cows Suspended From Herd After Barn Clearing Brawl

In a shocking display of bad sportsmanship and 'conduct unbecoming a cow', 12 of the most grievous offenders of a 'mid-barn' scuffle were suspended from the herd until further notice after going berserk and trashing the place late Tuesday. Although the cows can appeal this ruling at the next regularly scheduled 'Rancher Board of Appeals" session held in late September - their status and domicile will remain uncertain until a more formal ruling can be rendered. The uncontrolled melee (caught in vivid detail on the newly installed and surprisingly entertaining 'Barn-Cam") was sparked, according to security experts, after one of the new, upstart bulls tried to butt into line at the saltlick, thus discarding decades of precedence tied to seniority and status within the herd. "Well, things were just as peaceful as you please when one of them new bulls began feeling his oats or something and figured it was high time to take on the long-established pecking order of the herd" said Flem Snopes, the unfortunate rancher. "Well, cows are a peaceful large-prey species for the most part, so the elders of the herd just assumed that the young whippersnapper made a mistake or was just not paying attention or something and gently tried nudging him back into line where he rightfully belonged. That is when all "H.E. Double-Toothpicks' broke loose!!" said the mortified and embarrassed rancher.

"When some of the younger bulls (and sadly, any number of young, supposedly 'lady-like' heifers!) saw the young bull being relegated to second class status, their bovine sense of fairness and fair play kicked in and they naturally went to the young hero's defense. The older, wiser cows, startled by the sudden onslaught, immediately formed a defensive circle and began head-butting any young cow dumb enough to get within head-butting range" he said. "Well, it didn't take long for the whole dern mess to just devolve into an "every cow for himself" ruckus and pretty much everything in the whole doggone place that was not nailed to the wall got stomped flat! I just can't tell you how disappointed I am with all of them. They should know better than that!!" said Snopes, shaking his head with well-appointed angst and disappointment. "I just hope they use this time to reflect on their un-herd-like behavior and to the bad name and black eye they have given to the sport of ranching" he concluded sadly. "They only hurt themselves when they do this" said the paternal, sage-like rancher while kicking himself (figuratively) for not following his father's advice and raising sheep like all the really smart, savvy, suave, sophisticated, cool and hip ranchers in the Palouse.

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