Jul 22, 2010

Area Coven Of Committed Meddlers Running Out Of Ideas To Thwart Town

In a sordid tale straight out of the feudal Middle Ages that would make Macbeth himself shudder in terrified approbation, a loosely organized but highly spirited cadre of area malcontents, busybodies, and self-described (and self-delusional!) 'Lamont Lovers' with malice in their hearts and way too much time on their hands have borrowed an unfortunate phrase from the Vietnam era and have committed themselves to the quite irrational course of 'destroying the Town of Lamont in order to save it'! (from those doggone elected officials, no less!) This small but obviously energetic group, a vast majority of whom do not even live within the town limits but indeed project their 'evil eye' from the surrounding area, have cast every spell and incantation known to their kind in a vain attempt to ensure that Lamont stays firmly rooted in the dark, murky past where progress of any kind was an abomination and where a permanent underclass was always present so that they could somehow feel good about themselves when those inevitable comparisons were made between the self-described area 'ruling elite' and those doggone plebeian, beast-of-burden-like 'Lamonters'!

"Oh, do you know how many of those stupid frog toes I had to collect in my decidedly futile and doomed attempt to undermine that doggone new library they have going in over there?" croaked Thelma Festoon, 63, an area farm wife and vice-president of misinformation and voodoo hexes for the so-called 'Lamont Lovers'. "And just think of all of those newts that I mercilessly wiped out in a vain attempt to make sure the paint didn't stick to that stupid fire station! (Hey, why paint when you will just have to paint again later - years from now?) Regardless of what we do, nothing seems to work anymore! Maybe I am losing my touch for corruption and mischief, but it seems that no matter what we do, Lamont just continues to improve and get better! That is just so wrong!" she hissed ominously! "How am I supposed to feel good about myself if I can't cast pitying glances down my long, wart-covered nose at those doggone people within the town limits of Lamont - a town that I don't now nor have I ever lived in - although I claim it as my own. (Oh yeah, that makes sense!) That just ain't fair at all" she bayed in the general direction of the waning moon. "Oh, why can't we seem to stop even one of their surprisingly exciting and well-managed initiatives?" she gurgled disgustingly! (Okay, we at the Lamont Blog are obviously running out of descriptive witch noises! Hey, this job ain't as easy as it looks! I mean, doesn't 'cackle' pretty much cover it from soup-to-nuts? 'Hiss' was pretty good though - but, let's be honest, it really can't compete with the robust and all-purpose 'cackle'! I mean, what can?)

"Well, at first it kind of creeped me out, like when I would find a chicken foot next to the town computer or when some necklace of human teeth would somehow show up on the lawnmower key chain or whatever!" said an area Mayor who asked not to be identified. "Sure, one would expect some opposition to positive changes, especially in a place like Lamont that historically has been very comfortable at whatever state they found themselves in at any given time - but to call on the unholy forces of darkness to help frustrate a town's entry into the 19th century seems like a lot of effort to go thru, if you ask me!" (Hey, who is asking you?) "I mean, what is so wrong with kids having a library or fixing the park up nice for our citizens? Sure, you have to break a few eggs to get stuff like that done, but those eggs have been on the nest too long anyway and to be quite honest, they have indeed smelled fresher! Whoa!" he said, just inviting another round of passionate and quite hyperbolic area hate-mail! (Oh, when will he ever learn!) "Can't we all just get along? But hey, when we get the new library done, maybe they will have positive books on things like hobbies and personal development and, who knows, maybe even a bible or two that can help focus these rabble-rousers in a direction that does not run counter to the upward momentum of the already beleaguered but certainly blessed 2nd smallest town in the State! A boy can dream, can't he?" he said with a disturbing level of naivety and with 'ostrich-like, head-in-the-sand' optimism that is out of all proportion to the current situation, given who we are dealing with and their dark, sinister motives!

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