Jul 28, 2010

Lamont Area Hit By Spurt Of Real Life Situations Too Embarrassing To Put In Normally Outrageous Lamont Blog

The lowly and largely scape-goated Lamont Blog, a humble rag that is self-tasked with recording the ebb and flow of the 2nd smallest Town in the State and its environs for an innocent, disbelieving world, ran up against a brick wall of painful reality after any number of almost unbelievably shocking and disturbing things happened that are just too darn outrageous to capture in the Blog - given the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area's (GLMA) already battered reputation and standing within the State. These humbling and shockingly inane occurrences, many of which are the natural by-products of decades of bad thinking and laziness (oh, why are these two traits always grouped together like conjoined twins or whatever? And when exactly did this town begin to go wrong, anyway?), can pretty much only happen in a place like Lamont and thus would be considered too far-fetched and fanciful if communicated to outsiders not familiar with this humble little berg and its many quirky short-comings and idiosyncrasies.

"Good gravy, man! There is no way we could ever print any of that!" bellowed the shame-faced Mayor. "I mean, who would believe some of those things? The Lamont Blog, no stranger to the strange, would be laughed out of the State (but would probably be eagerly accepted in Idaho!) if we printed some of that stuff! The few people I told are still shaking their heads and mumbling to themselves, for crying out loud! Those Blog articles about space aliens and people returning from the grave to support our new library are tame in comparison to the stark reality that faces the GLMA on an almost daily basis. When a given community takes the path of least resistance or opts for complete inaction on a consistent basis for 50+ years, one can expect some unorthodox perspectives to develop and all, but the cultural and procedural nightmares that have been uncovered this month go way beyond the pale, let me assure you! I am just thankful that they are not directly related to the Town of Lamont but are dysfunctional manifestations afflicting other entities that unfortunately co-exist with us out in far, far northwest Whitman County!" he prattled on! (Oh, but the rest of the County is so normal and efficient!) "If that level of bad thinking existed within the apparatus that is the Town of Lamont, let's just say that it would be time for a little tush kicking! But given that they are coming from entities outside of our direct control, we just have to manage around them as best we can and hope we do not get tainted in the process!" he said optimistically!

"Oy vey! Silence is indeed the very bedrock of a peaceful and happy life - especially when it comes to the nightmarish bad thinking that has been uncovered around here in the last month or so!" said Ebenezer Lamontowitz, Lamont's lone remaining rabbi and great, great grandson to Lamont's founder and original resident (and poet!), Jedediah Lamontowitz. (known for the now famous and emotionally moving poem (in iambic pentameter!) "Never turn your back on a dadburn billy-goat!) "Some things should just not be shared outside the Town for the greater good of all - especially those innocent outsiders forever damaged and scarred by hearing the real scoop on us! But given what we have seen from entities in this area, the very fact that Lamont is even still in existence is a testament to the true blessings bestowed on this town from above. (and don't forget all the 'Divine Patience!) We have so much to be thankful for, let me assure you" he said with a conspiratorial wink of the truly wise and connected. "And I am just glad my great, great grand-daddy ain't alive to see what his dream has come to in the last 5-6 decades! (until a few short years ago!) It would break his little pea-pickin' heart!" he sobbed, wiping away a tear.

"Like, dude, no way that that stuff should be shared around the State, doggone it! That would be a bogus thing to do!" said Bif Martin, Lamont's only professional wheat surfer. "I mean, like, what a wipe-out to our reputation and all. Well, not so much ours, but rural America as a whole would sure take a hit. And it ain't like the undertow around here ain't enough to suck you right down to the waiting sharks or nothing, but to totally wig out and barf up a bunch of reality on a totally unsuspecting and unprepared State would be a real downer, dude. A real downer! Plus, it is all so unbelievable in the first place - like a real reality buster, dude, that hopefully no one would believe the sort of nonsense that passes for common sense and practical application around here, man. I mean, whoa! That's what I am hoping for, anyway" he said before grabbing his board for a little 'wheat surfing' before it gets too dark.


Westside said...

Mr. Mayor,The World of Lamont is new to me but I have read several of your "stories". I get the impression that not everyone in and around Lamomnt is happy with your job performance. In a bustling town like Lamont one can wonder how you find time to write all these stories and still perform your mayoral duties. Perhaps your progressive ideas such as the gaudy garbage can are just too much for what I assume is a very conservative community. Personally I like your garbage can and will look for it when we go through your town. Did the election go smoothly, were there enough polling sites, lines too long, campaign promises made but not kept? There could be valid reasons for this animosity. At this point I'm on your side but it would be nice to hear the oppositions side. looking forward to your next installment.

Lamont, Washington - email at lamont.activities@gmail.com said...

Westside brings forth some excellent points/questions! Ironically, in the last election our so-called Mayor was elected with 100% of votes cast. The quite excellent Whitman County has mail-in voting, so no issues there. Lamont is so small that campaign promises are not even necessary! And rumor has it that those blog stories take 10 minutes - 15 minutes tops - to so inexpertly cobble together, so time management is not the problem. (many would prefer less time spent on the business of the Town, BTW, so any mayoral distraction is appreciated!) If one were to get their mind around the concept of a core of anti-establishment backseat drivers who are against almost everything, that might come close to explaining the angst. But who knows... People often dislike change - regardless of the baseline that the change builds upon, so that might be it, too. But some questions are just too big to address in such a little space as this. Come visit us and find out for yourself! A picture can be worth 1000 words, or so they say!