Temps Set To Soar In Lamont Although We Don't Have Some Big, Fancy Beach To Cool Off At (Based on yet another sad, crushing true story!)

In yet another example of Fate itself holding the lowly and largely luckless Lamont down and giving it a hemisphere-sized 'nuggie' (Oh, how do you spell such a word?), it would appear that the whole Pacific Ocean weather pattern has focused its quite considerable energy on reducing Lamont even further in the eyes of the world while that doggone Long Beach just ends up coming out 'smelling like a rose' once again. (Oh, and half of them will even get a tan without breaking a sweat!). This latest example of cosmic unfairness stems from some unusual weather pattern that somehow allows the Lamont area to become some hellish, Dante-esque, nightmarish, volcano-like inferno reminiscent of the very pits of Hades itself while other larger, more hip, less population challenged towns (that actually have stores!) on the coast are kept cool and fresh by billions of gallons of pleasantly cool but not-too-cold water that sneak down here from Alaska for some darn reason. (Oh yeah, life is fair! Even the very oceans themselves are on Long Beach's side!)

"Well, sure, Lamont is pretty much set to emulate a 'minute steak' on the broiler rack in the oven and our lives themselves, such as they are, are going to be devalued even further and what few shreds of hope we collectively hold as a town will be cast into the very furnace of Fate itself - but I have been leaving the sprinklers on in the park for an extra 3-5 minutes per day, so that is just as good as some stupid beach, ain't it?" said the cheapskate Mayor in a vain attempt to somehow equate a measly garden hose with the best doggone ocean in the whole dadburn world! "Well, at least I was leaving the sprinklers on a little longer - that is until that doggone Melba Bodine, age 73, went running out there in what I think was a bikini and I was struck blind for 3+ days! Although my eyesight is now returning somewhat, the mental anguish was so severe I pretty much just lay on my bed now, sobbing uncontrollably - so I am not sure what is going on out there!" he whined! "Are we still a town? Has the whole place gone up in flames through spontaneous combustion? Is there any writing paper left so we can hastily scrawl out a new bikini ordinance?" he sniveled!

Although Lamont is expected to reach and maintain the highest temperatures of the year, that well-planned, refreshing, largely cattle-free municipal 'Shangri-La' over there (that doggone Long Beach!) right on the beautiful Pacific ocean with all of its fresh breezes, abundant seafood and charming, well-educated citizens is expected to peak out at 72 degrees and sunny - more than 30 doggone degrees less than Lamont! (Okay, anyone still think this whole Long Beach thing is a coincidence??? I mean, come on! At some point this has to be considered 'piling on'!!! They have the whole Pacific Ocean on their side and we cannot even get Sprague Lake to be on our team! Oh yeah, life is fair! Darn your eyes, Long Beach, WA!)