The shockingly easy to please and beaming town of Lamont received what is by all accounts their greatest praise to date (In the last 100 doggone years, for crying out loud!) when a potentially intoxicated or otherwise impaired group of self-described 'waste disposal experts' offhandedly commented on the excellence of the newly painted 'waste disposal receptacle' located over by the new covered picnic table in the town's only park. (Of course, they don't have a big, fancy fairgrounds like that doggone Rockford, WA!) This outstanding icon of America's fading greatness was donated to the town of Lamont by Councilman Dale Windsor (the notorious cheapskates cannot even buy their own doggone garbage cans, for Pete sake!) was, by all accounts, sitting in the Windsor shop since at least the early 1960's, although its origins and providence are believed to be much earlier than that - although experts differ bitterly on that score. (Those darn experts are so feisty! Always looking for a scrap!) The said 'rubbish receptacle', consisting of two (2) parts that don't appear to have been designed to function together as a unified whole (could there have been some sort of 'cross pollination' of sorts in the distant, murky past? And is there another mis-matched 'lid and can' set lurking somewhere out there? Oh, the possibilities are indeed intriguing but outside the scope of this tightly focused article!), are made of surprisingly sturdy metal and remind the casual observer of that garbage can that the 'Cookie Monster' or the 'Grouch' or whatever the heck that Sesame Street puppet was lived in - but who can remember that sort of thing?"Well, it is at times like these that I just wish my poor, sweet mother was still alive to savor in our triumph!" said the teary-eyed Mayor while gently patting the town's sole prize possession. "I mean, when you are a town that is as small and dysfunctional as we are, it is not every day that a team of industry experts lavish such unexpected praise and accolades on you - and to be honest, we are so humble and unassuming that this sort of thing gives us a 'municipal blush'. We are honored and all, but we are just not used to this level of collective recognition for our meager and often discombobulated efforts! Yes, to us it is much more than a simple garbage can - it is a monument to our somewhat feeble recovery after decades of apathy and mismanagement, and it is incumbent on us all to keep this whole thing in perspective and to not forget to actually use the darn thing as opposed to just throwing our trash on the ground in the park which seemed to be the accepted practice for at least the last 60+ years! We in Lamont believe in that whole concept of 'form and function', and cannot see the town filled to the gills with beautiful yet ultimately worthless works of art that do not provide at least a modicum of practical application. Anyway, to encourage our recalcitrant (and cantankerous!) citizenry to actually use the darn thing, we will be holding our next town meeting in the park and will provide free beverages (Non-alcoholic, of course! Are you crazy! The town is a powder keg as it is! That is all we need - a rampaging hoard of tipsy, battle-hardened, blue-haired, devil-may-care grannies once again pillaging the dern place like the very Mongol hoards themselves! (Once again, the Lamont Blog asks 'Where are the men?'!!!) We just finished cleaning up after their last doggone rapine-filled melee when Oprah got preempted for some darn reason!!!) - the supervised disposal of said beverage containers will help desensitize the culture-starved rabble to utilizing our one and only artistic, art deco-like municipal rallying point. Plus, we have so many doggone sodas left over from our festival that it ain't even funny!" he rambled on disjointedly! (Don't forget annoyingly! Oh, why won't he ever stop while he is ahead?)
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