Jul 14, 2010

Area Rancher Saddened, Dismayed After Hiring Local Private Investigation Firm To 'Tail' New Prize Bull

In a classic example of 'suspicions confirmed are worries averted', an area rancher, acting only on a general, vague 'gut feeling' of his wife, hired a local bovine private investigation firm to see what in the heck that doggone bull was really up to at all hours of the day and night, given any number of unusual events and circumstances that have plagued the ranch since the expensive purebred was purchased from that bull farm down California-way several months ago. This sad tale of intrigue, mayhem, tomfoolery and any number of late night shenanigans first began when the farmer/rancher's wife, Brunhilda Snopes, age 63, began noticing little things that were just not right around the ranch. (you mean besides her husband??) "Well, for a while there I just assumed that insanity had taken over me like it pretty much has every single member of my family for the last 125 years!" said the relieved Mrs. Snopes as she wiped her hands on her worn, tattered apron that appears to be about as old as her family's insanity but she is just too darn cheap to replace it. "Anyway, it started off with little things, like that time I took out that nice beef roast for Sunday dinner the night before only to wake up and find chicken breasts in its place with a vegetarian cookbook left right there on the counter for all to see. At first I just thought it must be one of the kids playing a joke, but they are all in prison or hiding from the law in some mountain redoubt in Idaho or whatever, so I know it wasn't one of them. Oh, and my husband would rather die than enter the kitchen, (have you ever thought it might be your cooking?) so I knew it wasn't him, neither! And then all of our leather shoes disappeared! It was all so weird!" said the excitable Mrs. Snopes. "But then I noticed that right about the time all these strange events took place that my roses were all eaten down to a nub - like someone or something had a quick snack on the way to commit those 'deeds most foul'! That is when I convinced my always reluctant and somewhat nervous husband that it was time to bring in a professional outfit to get to the bottom of it" she said proudly, always savoring those times she gets to exert her will on her hapless, un-manned husband.

"Well, we got the call at exactly 6:03 PM, and I could tell from the worried, almost frantic tone of voice on the phone that somewhere, somehow we had a cow go bad!" said Buster Cheatem, of the Clandestine Cow Consortium, a locally renowned bovine investigative firm. "Oddly enough, the average citizen has no idea how crafty and sneaky the typical, run-of-the-mill cow can be. All that Hollywood propaganda on those sweet, docile cows just grazing their lives away until it is time for that big trip to the meat processing plant is just a bunch of hooey! Heck, half the dern cows in the Palouse make the turn-of-the-century mafia in New York look like a bunch of frilly, giggling school girls, for crying out loud. There just ain't nothing them dern bovines won't do! So when a rancher gets a lively one, there is just one place for them to call! Yes sir! 1-800-CHEATEM! I ain't met a cow yet that I can't outsmart!" he lied - although the opposite might be true! "Anyway, after donning a simple but highly effective (and eco-friendly!) disguise, we were able to clandestinely infiltrate the herd and ascertain any number of undesirable behaviors perpetrated by the whole dern mess of 'em, but that doggone bull seemed to sure be the brains behind the entire nefarious operation! Whew! And once we felt certain that we were gonners when we assumed he had gotten wind of our sting operation and started a little mini-stampede aimed right at us! Oh, you ever try to run for your life in a 2-man cow costume? It ain't easy, let me tell you...!!" (especially if you are the one in the back! Whoa!) he whined. "Anyway, needless to say, we got to the bottom of it, and as part of our usual fee we accept beef, although I much prefer the taste of heifer over those stringy, pungent bulls - but like my pappy always said - 'Beef is beef, as long as it is in your freezer and not someone else's" he mused nonsensically, attempting to add yet another folksy expression to show solidarity with the locals but only succeeding in diminishing a story that, at best, was decidedly under-whelming to begin with and maybe even bordering on the downright mundane! (whoa! that was a little snippy!)

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