Jul 11, 2010

Former Mayor Returns From Beyond The Grave To Throw Support Behind New Town Library

In a bold move that pretty much gave everyone the creeps but helped sway a few opinions of the 'old-timers' who are pretty much against anything new in the town, a previous Lamont mayor, Jed Stubbins, now deceased, seemed to suddenly appear or materialize or whatever the heck that was during a recent council meeting when the current mayor finally got organized enough to get around to following the agenda and a discussion on the new library was undertaken. Mayor Stubbins, smelling faintly of sulfur as is only right for previous (and current!!!) Lamont mayors, served the town of Lamont between the world wars and is lovingly remembered as that mayor who finally overcame the almost supernatural resistance of well over 95% of the citizenry and brought electricity to the now 2nd smallest town in the State. This quantum technological leap for Lamont, although consisting primarily of a single 40 watt bulb until at least the year 1979, forever marked his mayoral tenure as the most progressive to date but left him with many detractors - some unfortunately still alive today.

"Well, I don't live in the town, but I came to the meeting in the hope of introducing some red herring or bogus canard or patently false argument so that the more easily swayed members of the Council would vote against the new library and so Lamont could remain in the Dark Ages of ignorance and backwardness where I feel most comfortable!" said Gertrude Festoon, 74, an area gossip and part-time farm wife. "And right as I was about to shrilly pipe up and begin my well-rehearsed yet contrarian blather all of a sudden that darn Mayor Stubbins returned from his just rewards and ruined the whole darn thing! Oh, I never liked that man! And to add insult to injury, he kept looking at me, giving me that 'See you soon, Gertrude!' look or whatever that was! I mean, it is bad enough that Lamont is punching its way out of the wet paper bag of Luddite-like backwardness, but to have people return from the grave to support these changes just doesn't seem fair! And look at all the problems that darn electricity has brought us! Why anyone would trust that man is beyond me!" she screeched, making every dog tail within 10 miles sink instantly to the 'between the legs' position.

"Well, Lord knows that I have had my little problems with electricity, like that time I was 46 years old and wanted to listen to the radio under water in the bathtub and all, but all things considered, Mayor Stubbins' return from 'the great beyond' to support the Lamont library pretty much helped me change my position on the matter" said Bronco Snopes, an area rancher so named because of his quite impressive fear of horses. "Sure, I have no use whatsoever for books and all that fancy learning and all of that, but once I heard that Lamont is going to have a big, fancy fish tank in there and one of the first aquatic creatures they are going to buy is the fresh water fiddler crab, that was all I needed to know! How that darn Mayor Stubbins heard about Lamont's big aquarium plans from beyond the void is a mystery to me, but I love to look at the little fishes and who knows, maybe while I am watching that little fiddler crab will be able to reach out and grab one of the innocent little swimmers! Oh, that would be so awesome!" said the sadistic maniac! (Editorial Note. The freshwater fiddler crab is a peace-loving critter and will only be placed with fish that are 100% compatible with its sneaky, sticky-fingered ways - so the Lamont Library aquarium will not become "The Wild Kingdom" by any stretch of the imagination, regardless of the sick desires of a decided minority!)

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