Jul 23, 2010

Town Uncharacteristically (and only momentarily!) Honors Hapless Mayor For Successful Mosquito Control Year

The ever-grateful and appreciative citizens of the Town of Lamont, never shy in gushing praise for even the smallest, most seemingly mundane things that come their way, (Hey, we were able to actually write that without bursting into dadburn flames! Whoa! Its a miracle!) has opened the floodgates of love and affection (not to mention a lavish percentage pay increase!) for the non-salaried and normally pilloried Mayor because this year is a surprisingly light mosquito year - by Lamont standards, anyway. (Well, we do blame him specifically when the mosquitoes are bad, so why not throw him a bone when they ain't so bad? A town's got to be fair! And it ain't like we mean all that positive stuff in the first place, anyway!) The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA), a region nestled between the haunted, hellish, snake-filled, forbidding, totally creepy 'Scablands' and the beautiful, rolling-hilled, wild flower-scented Palouse (where deer frolic and prance for no particular reason other than they are just glad to be alive (and it is not hunting season!) and it is like an 'all the wheat you can eat buffet' over there), has an unfortunate necklace of small lakes/ponds that are about 3 inches deep and that, of course, provide the perfect breeding ground for any number of cranky, energetic, aggressive, demonic, resourceful, mean-spirited and obviously fertile and frisky species of mosquitoes - the likes of which make those blood-sucking nightmares in Alaska, Louisiana, and Siberia look like tame house pets in comparison! Lamont, known regionally for only 2 things - 1) being 100 years old and not having managed to install a public restroom and 2) a nightmarish mosquito problem straight out of a Stephen King novel (the old Stephen King - not how he is now that he has descended into scatological insanity and just wants to sell books based off of his formerly good name!) - has struggled for years to come to grips with their 'little mosquito problem' (Don't forget that vexing bathroom conundrum! We worked for years on that one, too - to no avail, of course!) and, just last year, that doggone awesome Kynda Browning of Tekoa fame provided the solution with a mosquito control program that they use over there and that all Lamont had to do was pay a marginal fee to join - no brain work or math required!! (Talk about an understanding, solution-oriented woman! Whoa! There is no way we could have done that on our own!) Anyway!

"Well, feeling the love and camaraderie of the somewhat mercurial citizenry is what makes this job so rewarding and fulfilling!" said the beaming mayor while being mercilessly pelted by those unfortunately abundant local roses (thorns intact, of course!) flung at him by the adoring and disturbingly accurate hoards. "I mean, I am just as glad as the rest of our thoughtful, feisty, generous, truly appreciative citizenry to not have over half of my blood drained from my veins by some freakish little "disease dispensers" from some fetid swamp or stinking backwater or whatever! But the funny thing is, our mosquito sprayer guy from last year went on to greener employment pastures and the doggone State of Washington's test for mosquito dudes is so darn hard that it takes a PhD in chemistry and physics to even get a D- on the darn thing - so we have not been able to spray at all this year since we don't have an actual 'mosquito sprayer dude'! (Or mosquito gal! Gals can kill mosquitoes, too! This is the year 2010, for Pete's sake! Lamont is an equal opportunity mosquito killing town!) Isn't that ironic? We cannot spray this year but the mosquitoes are almost non-existent! So really, I have not done a darn thing in the mosquito realm at all, other than whine about the American manpower situation! (that ain't the only issue he has done nothing on, come to think of it!). This wonderful mosquito year is all the Good Lord's work - not mine" he stammered before looking up and seeing the formerly adoring yet decidedly fickle and surly crowd slowly begin to morph into that mob of angry, raving villagers from the movie classic Frankenstein (and where the heck did all those darn torches and pitchforks suddenly materialize from, anyway? And why are they all speaking with those really bad German accents?) "Whoa! Wait!!! I never said I sprayed for mosquitoes! I thought the citizens were just glad that we didn't have swarms of the vampire-like nightmares hovering over the town like some biblical plague in Egypt or whatever!! Hey! Ouch! That pitchfork is sharp, you maniac! Watch where you poke that thing! Owww. Hey!!! We have a pitchfork ordinance in this town, doggone it! Don't make me call our enforcement officer! (Editorial Note: Okay, now that was a big mistake! Talk about throwing red meat to the lions! Whoa! The Mayor is really not very bright when it comes to public mood management!) (or in any number of other areas!) Owww!! Help!!! HELP!! Get off of me, you unwashed rabble!!!" he screamed (like a dadburn school girl!) before fleeing for his largely meaningless life, the angry (some would suspect tipsy!) mob in hot although swerving and unsteady pursuit! Thankfully, given the light mosquito year and all, the Mayor will have plenty of blood to spare for clotting and bruise formation and all of that, should the need arise. And it looks like he will be needing it - especially since he, for obvious reasons, is not able to run very fast! (Editorial Note: Darn, too bad the Lamont Blog forgot to bring their binoculars - since we had a great angle to view the prolonged altercation! Oh, it turned out to be quite a show! We wonder if we should have gone to help, however! (On the side of the mob/rabble, of course!) No, that might have tainted our journalistic objectivity, and we can't have that, now can we?)

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