Aug 5, 2010

Beleaguered Mayor Unfortunately Equates Town To Highly Enjoyable "Fantasy Island' TV Show In Moment Of Madness-Induced Delirium

In a demented commingling of cultural images that appears to be the inevitable byproduct of the fetid Petrie dish of insanity itself, an area Mayor, obviously grasping at the straws of hope in the otherwise real-life raging inferno of despair and seeming societal incongruity, conjured up images of a happier, more simple time by equating the disturbingly unorthodox and oftentimes 'other-worldly' goings on in Lamont to a cheesy, hope-filled TV show from the early 1980's. This sad and forlorn attempt to bring some sort of rational understanding to a situation that is beyond the experience of all but the most intrepid cultural explorers of the very bowels of the human endeavor itself, is not only decidedly inaccurate on the surface, but is truly troubling because everyone knows that the Mayor does not have some short guy with a weird foreign accent who dresses just like he does. "Good gravy, man! Our mayor is truly nuts!" bellowed Gomer Snopes, 56, an area farmer/rancher. "Now I could see if he was over there prattling on about the doggone town being some strange brew of the TV shows "Hee-Haw" and the "Twilight Zone", but to place the Lamont experience in some tropical paradise where people run around with good table manners and color coordinated outfits is just so dadburn crazy!" he shrieked. "Oh, why do all of our mayors always end up in the very pits of madness itself, good for nothing but the rubber room and an occasional icy blast from a water cannon in some stinking, basement asylum cell, for Pete's sake? I wonder if it is just a long stream of bad luck or if the Town might somehow contribute to this disturbing mayoral trend?" he pondered naively.

The Mayor, currently sedated in some 'secret, undisclosed location' rumored to be frequented by former Vice-President Dick Cheney, is reported to blurt out "Da Plane!!! Da Plane!!!' from time to time, although Lamont is so doggone small and so obviously without amenities that only a committed mental patient like himself would ever even consider putting an airport anywhere close to the doggone town. Thankfully, given that Lamont is so small and all, the mayor's absence has not disrupted the normal office workflow - and in fact productivity within the Town office has soared a whopping 286% since he was subdued by a tranquilizer gun and unceremoniously dragged to some underground lair where he will either get a grip on reality or he will just fade into the recesses of our unforgiving collective memories while we look for a future lunatic candidate to fill his overrated role in our struggling, teetering democracy.

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