Aug 27, 2010

"Doggone Town Getting Too Dern Big For Their Dadburn Britches!" Says Area Rancher Sub-Group Spokesman

The somewhat forlorn and uppity Town of Lamont, long languishing under the unforgiving lash of collective area apathy and inertia, has drawn the ire of a sizable segment of the area "ruling elite" with Lamont's totally unwarranted and misplaced attempt to bring the 2nd smallest town in the State into the early 19th century. The town, now enjoying a new water system with 82 psi and fire hydrants galore, also had the nerve to pave about half the town although everyone knows that people in these parts view gravel roads as the ultimate in transportation infrastructure (especially the way Whitman County maintains them! What excellence! They seem to be good at everything!). And as if this outrageous municipal social climbing was not enough, now those doggone elected officials, in a vast conspiracy with the County itself, are attempting to bring in a fancy-pants library where people can actually go to a building to read (and not the dern outhouse, neither!) and use those stupid, confusing computers as opposed to practicing the lasso on the dog or walking around the dadburn farm/ranch yelling at the dern wheat to grow faster like any reasonable person would do, doggone it!

"Well, this just beats all I ever seen" said Flem Snopes, 63, a spokesman for a thankfully somewhat small segment of the area farm/ranch community that lives outside the Lamont town limits. "Don't them people know that the town ain't got no business making things all fancy and livable - a town that it is our natural right as cow owners to look down upon and hold with distain? Heck, half of my somewhat battered self image revolves around always having Lamont to look down upon and to make fun of - and to think that them dern people would have the nerve to make improvements of any kind, especially without asking our permission first, just shows you that they have forgotten their place in the pecking order around here and they need to be brought down a peg or two!" said the stalwart although somewhat confused rancher who lives 7 miles outside the town limits. "Heck, don't they know that because I inherited all this land from my daddy who got it from his daddy that I am now and forever their natural master and that they owe me their total allegiance and fealty? It has been that way for almost 100 years, and me and my rancher friends don't see any dern reason to change something that is now working so well, doggone it!" he said with the righteous indignation that only the truly petty can ever manage to muster. "That is the one thing I hate about our form of government - that whole representative democracy/self-rule thing! Things just seem to work so much better when an un-elected cabal of self appointed tyrants runs things from behind the scenes, making sure that all the benefits flow to them and not to those stupid citizens who provide the tax revenues in the first place! How can people make decisions for themselves when they don't even own cows, for crying out loud? Think how crazy that is! Has the whole dern world gone mad as of late, or what? Next thing you know they will want to have their own attitudes and opinions that they don't check with us for approval on first! Oh, when will that madness ever stop then?" he fumed. "Oh, why did Germany have to lose WWII? Now that was a system that seemed to work just fine, in my opinion! Sure, you didn't want to be one of those 'undesirables' like Lamont is to us, but how can anyone who owns cows ever fall into that category, anyway?" he beamed proudly while adjusting his cap with the 'Confederate Flag' emblazoned on the front!

"Well, there does seem to be a disproportionate amount of interest in what we are doing, particularly from people who do not now nor have they ever lived in Lamont" said the somewhat perplexed mayor. "Sadly, most of this obviously abundant energy tends to be negative and is skewed towards either dismantling the good things we have now and/or stopping any new initiatives dead in their tracks. It is all very confusing, given that they have no natural stake in a town that they sat by and watched decline (with glee!) for the last half century or so" he said introspectively. "One would think that they would have enough to do and to focus upon out there where they live, but maybe they have let things deteriorate so far out there, that attempting to undermine Lamont just seems to them like low hanging fruit or whatever. Who knows...? But it does make you wonder if they ever taught government classes in the local schools around here. (We are sure they do now, anyway. The Lamont Middle School is a well-managed and highly effective educational institution! You should see it!) I feel pretty certain they didn't teach basic civics several decades ago, anyway. Either that or everyone was out branding and castrating the young bulls on that day." he said regrettably.

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