Aug 6, 2010

Entire 'Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area' Stricken With Outbreak Of Disturbing "Long Beach Fever"

(Editorial Note: This story is not for the faint of heart. Reader discretion is advised!) The lowly and largely amenity-free Town of Lamont, one of the smallest and possibly the kookiest functioning representative democracies in the whole doggone world, woke up to find itself faced with a scourge so hideous and disturbing that the very municipal fibers that hold the Town together are strained to the breaking point and beyond. This latest municipal self-esteem-destroying affliction is more wide spread than previously thought and, according to the experts, one that could spiral out of control if drastic action is not immediately taken. This disaster somehow involves people taking their hard earned money that could be donated to Lamont, cramming their noisy and cantankerous families and pets in environmentally unsound vehicles that are killing this planet, driving thru one of the most beautiful States in the nation and spending lavish amounts of time and money in a location that runs contrary to everything that Lamont holds dear - like their facilitation of shopping and fine dining and casual strolls on a gorgeous beach for no darn reason whatsoever! Yes, the poor, lost souls are flocking in seeming droves to Lamont's municipal nemesis - the vacation wonderland and largely cattle-free paradise of Long Beach, WA. (darn their eyes!)

"Oh, this is much worse than even I feared, and I am about as paranoid as they come!" stammered the beet-red Mayor while waving his arms all around the place like some crazed lunatic or something. "Anyway, I called over there to Century West Engineering to talk to them about something and that ever-efficient Erika came on the phone. As I quite curtly expressed my desires for a 'tête-à-tête' with the big man himself, Dennis Fuller, Erika just casually chimed in that her sister just got back from a long vacation in Long Beach and proceeded to drone on endlessly (and quite cruelly!) on what a great time she and her family had and all the stupid, mundane things they did and how wild horses could not prevent them from going back next year! (Ironically, they even brought their own horses with them! Now that is just so wrong! What, did they leave their cows at home? That doesn't seem fair, now does it? Think how the poor cows must have felt!) Oh, it was all really very sad and sickening! I mean, I do not even know her sister, but any thinking and caring human being just naturally hates to see anyone so obviously lost and demented - as if the world didn't have enough problems already. (Oh, and those poor, lonely, second-class-citizen cows!) Oh, it really put a damper on my discussion with Dennis, let me tell you!" he sniveled unconvincingly!

"And then, as if this were not bad enough, I somehow ran into that doggone Ruth Simpson, a local councilwoman once tried and convicted of first degree "Long Beach Vacationism" herself, and I rolled out this long, sad, sordid tale of Erika's sister, a tale filled with human tragedy and weakness, and the next thing I know the obviously unrepentant yet disturbingly gleeful Ruth is telling me of a conversation that she just had minutes before with the Schwans food delivery man (is that how you spell Schwans?) and he was telling the obviously sympathetic and decidedly disloyal Ruth how he and his family just returned from a wonderful week in Long Beach, too! (We can't help but wonder if he had a car-full of those tasty and varied 'Schwans snacks'! Oh, talk about a dream vacation!!) That is when I knew we had a dadburn pandemic on our hands!" he whined. "Doggone it, when will someone relieve me of this meddlesome Long Beach? What sort of magic spell have they cast over the whole doggone world? And why do they have to be so good at everything, for crying out loud?" he whispered to himself, as if he were carrying the burden of the whole world on his somewhat sagging and vulture-like shoulders!


jennie from mossyrock wa said...

Well, if you can't beat'em, maybe you should join'em. I suggest a "Short Beach Day". Use your imagination! Sand, picnic tables, salt water taffy, lounge chairs and sun hats....horses and cows? lol.

Westside said...

It seems to me that the number one Lamont lament is Longbeach' ability to attract tourists. It could be a matter as simple as geography. When going in the general direction of Longbeach, one finally reaches the point of continuing west (into the ocean) or turning north to Longbeach. Perhaps more tourists are trapped rather than choosing to go to your nemisis. Now Lamont makes it too easy to pass by, at least to us in a recent first time visit. Granted, we were probably expecting more in the way of motels and fast food joints as we approached your suburbs, plus the wife and I had just gotten into a heated debate as to whether a series of small lakes along the road were indeed small lakes or the holding ponds of a sophisticated sewage system designed for you by Century West Engineering. Perhaps you could get your good mayor to pull some strings with your favorite State Rep Ms Fagin and have a traffic signal installed at the busy intersection of 23 and Lamont Rd. along with some large neon signs pointing out Lamont and its services. If Longbeach can entrap tourists, so can you.