Aug 15, 2010

Manhunt Continues For Few Remaining Town Malcontents With 'All Them Big City Ways!"

In a bold effort to banish those decidedly unpopular and nefarious "Big City Ways" from the town once and for all, a vigilante mob of Lamont 'old timers' began a door-to-door canvassing of the town in order to flush out the few remaining registered voters who see the value in those quite unnecessary modern trappings of the devil - like pavement, fresh water with 82 psi of pressure at the tap, and one of them fancy buildings filled with books (with all them big words!) where people can just walk in off the street, sit down, and read for no dern reason whatsoever. This concerted effort to run the last troublemakers to ground and to 'remove them' from the body politic, involves a group of Luddite-like individuals going door to door (pitchforks and torches optional!) and subjecting the hopefully cowering citizenry to a series of questions - most related to the particulars of the dominant culture of Lamont - like details related to specific 'Gunsmoke' episodes and average wheat yields per acre for any year since 1890, and then of course the ultimate litmus test, requiring the 'guilty until proven innocent' suspect to eat a 'Rocky Mountain Oyster' (known for efficiency sake as 'RMO's") to prove once and for all that they ain't one of them fancy outsiders who are trying to overturn the laggardly apple cart that is the 2nd smallest town in the State. "Well, a tipsy, rampaging mob can sure learn a lot about a town by going door to door and intimidating the huddled masses into seeing the obvious reasonableness and righteousness of our current muddled, poorly reasoned and decidedly backward looking world view, let me tell you!" said Bubba Snopes, 62, an area farmer/rancher and one of several self-appointed rabble leaders tasked with 'purifying the town' of those troubling outside influences that want to change things for the better. "Sure, any old fool can bone up on 'Gunsmoke' details without really loving it for the true cultural icon that it is - and several weeks of study can allow even the slowest dullard to bark out wheat harvest averages, but it is the rare city slicker indeed that can woof down a Rocky Mountain Oyster without attempting a mad dash to safety - or at least the bathroom. That is when we know we have them and can take appropriate action, however harsh and disproportional. And if them people ain't one of them 'modern-loving crazies' trying to 'citify' the town, then they should be darn thankful to be rousted from their beds and humiliated in front of their families in the sacred cause of keeping Lamont like it has always been! Only a troublemaker would fail to see the wisdom of our ham-fisted approach, and we can and will deal with them, too!" he chuckled ominously.

"Anyway, we have a vague description of the dastardly agitators, for what that is worth" said Snopes. "To use that police jargon that I have a fair amount of experience with, mostly on the receiving end, unfortunately, these perps have what we like to call in these parts the "Three B's". Brown hair, brown eyes, and, of course, a brown nose from becoming too cozy with the rule of big-city Law! Sadly, this description can apply to about half the folks in far northwest Whitman County - so thus we have to use the 'trial by fire' method like our heroes in the Spanish Inquisition with the RMO's (Rocky Mountain Oysters!). So far it seems to be working!" he beamed with that twinkle in the eye last seen when, a continent away and not so long ago, really, the Gestapo would knock on some unfortunate's door in the wee hours of the night. "I just want to assure the lazy and culturally reclusive citizens like me who don't want to see any progress at all, either organizationally and/or related to infrastructure and amenities, that we, the righteous rabble, will flush out this scourge of modernity and bring them 'city types' the only type of justice people like us understand so that the town can get back to the way it used to be and so people can make fun of us again! We only have six more houses to interrogate and terrorize - and thankfully for us, we just got a new piping hot batch of Rocky Mountain Oysters (RMO's!) from our good friend Thelma Bodine and the Bodine ranch, (At 3:30 in the morning? Talk about commitment!) so that should allow us to finish up our late night activities nicely" he glowered, showing a disturbing number of missing teeth. (And, come to think of it, those darn town outsiders are just so helpful, aren't they? Especially when it comes to controversy!) "There ain't nothing more American than an uncontrolled, vigilante mob made drunk with the misplaced passions of the moment - a mob that is willing to exact the most extreme measures and sanctions in pursuit of marginal and often bigoted goals that fall outside the confines of the Law. We are just upholding that tradition in our little corner of the American Dream, that's all!" he said proudly, wiping away a patriotic tear on his tee-shirt that sports the 'Confederate Flag' from the American Civil War. (Good thing he didn't use his 'Swastika emblazened' handkerchief! That thing ain't been laundered in a while! Gross! Why won't those crypto-fascist sympathizers ever use a doggone washing machine, for Pete's sake? What would Adolf say? Wasn't he a clean freak or something, too?)

(Editorial Note: This story is completely false, at least as far as Lamont goes, although the area does seem to enjoy RMO's more than is reasonable and prudent! But it does serve to point out the tenuous hold our society has on the principles of self-rule and representative democracy that we should all hold dear. The only thing that separates us, in most cases, from the whims of mob rule and the sledgehammer of anarchy are those fine individuals in Law Enforcement. So, the next time you see a Whitman County Sheriff's Deputy or other Law Enforcement professionals (Like those fine, unsung heroes on the Mossyrock Police Department! What a bedrock of stability they are! It's worth a trip there just to say hello to America's finest in action! Plus, unlike Lamont, it is believed that they have stores and public restrooms! Go say hello! What else do you have to do? I mean really!!), please let these officers of the Law know that you know what a huge responsibility they carry so successfully on their shoulders, because the alternative is rather less pleasant. And how many of us can pull off the 'goose-step' if we surrender to the mob, anyway? Think about it!)

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