Aug 1, 2010

Area Teenagers Spend Entire Weekend ‘Text Messaging’ Each Other From Same Doggone Living Room Sofa

In a stunning testament to Lamont’s grudging entry, kicking and screaming, into the decidedly frightening and forbidding 21st century, two area farm/ranch kids, Festus Festoon IV and Skeeter Bodine III shocked local bystanders by employing one of those ‘new fangled’ devices, the cell phone with text capability, to make fun of each other without uttering (Editorial Note: Given that this is Lamont, we almost wrote ‘uddering’!!!) a single word to each other. This shocking behavior, a far cry indeed from the more traditional farm/ranch pursuits for ‘normal teenagers’ – playing ‘pull my finger’ and practicing the lasso on the dog, left many in the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) shaking their heads in wonder and consternation. “Well, I’ll be dadburned if that is at all natural!” said Ebenezer Snopes, an area rancher and regional chewing tobacco spitting champion. “Heck, when I was a kid, there weren’t nothing wrong with spending the day starting a chicken coop fire or two and/or planning the violent overthrow of the government in order to set up a cow-tocracy where only people with more than 500 cows could vote! We would have never dreamed of sitting on our backsides using one of them dern things that uses that suspect voodoo magic ‘electricity’ to just write cutting, sarcastic, largely nonsensical things to each other when the other person was close enough to slap! It just don’t make no dern sense to me!” he bellowed before letting fly a huge stream of what is believed to be non-taxed chewing tobacco from those Native Americans across the border in Idaho or whatever.

“Well, no one was as surprised as me, let me tell you” said the pole-axed yet obviously proud Mayor. “I mean, we still have almost a third of the population who refuses to walk on our dadburn sidewalks because they prefer the 'good ole days' of meandering gravel roads (like Opey from the ‘Andy Griffith Show’ - that show still being a big favorite in these parts - right up there with Gunsmoke!) to the excellent new paved road/sidewalk/water removal additions supplied to the Town by Greg Partch and the TIB and Century West Engineering! (Lamont is very blessed by their professional associations! And the Good Lord really loves and protects this Town – especially from ourselves!). Anyway, I remember a few years back, you know, before I was hated by almost 50% of the population (Editorial Note: This visceral hatred is mostly confined to the non-voting felons whose favorite voter issues are banning the sheriff and all law enforcement from the Town and allowing dogs to run free to attack their neighbors! (and to protect their stash!) Thank goodness the more normal voters are still on board – most of them, anyway! By the way, the Mayor got 100% of the vote in the last election – all 28 of them!! And this felon group is diminishing on a consistent basis, too. Okay, the crazy and/or bitter ones are not in love with the Mayor either, but they hate everything! That is just what some people do! And have we told you how great the Whitman County Sheriff is? Whoa! That one organization has done more to help Lamont ease into the gentle, loving embrace of the modern era than just about any other! Century West Engineering is number 1 at this point, but it is a close run thing! Thank you, Sheriff Myers and team!!) “So, I have to admit that I got a little choked up when our teenagers were acting as worthless, lazy, rudderless and unfocused as the national norm for teenagers, that is! That is the first time even a small segment of our population could ever be considered normal! It is a major milestone for us, doggone it! We need a BBQ in the park or something to celebrate!!” he gushed proudly – never being one to pass up free food!! (Well, he is a dude! You know how they are!)

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