
"Well, let me put it to you this way!" said the only guy dumb enough in the whole dern town to be the Mayor. (Oh, is he ever dumb!) "We are 100 years old and do not now nor have we ever had a public restroom! Do I really need to say more than that?" he said decisively. "Okay, that should be enough, but since you asked (Editorial Note: Did anyone ask him about that? We don't remember that!! In fact, we were hoping he would just shut the heck up already!) - let's just say that we are not the 2nd smallest town in the state for no reason. Oh yeah, and we went 60+ years and never put a lick of paint on our fire station, for crying out loud. And we let our water get so bad that even those unfortunate yet surprisingly sturdy houseplants that didn't drop all their leaves after the first watering seldom managed to live out the month, poor things. Oh, I could drone on endlessly for hours, (isn't that what he is doing now?) pointing out a million little historically bad choices, any one of which would convince even the most jaded skeptic beyond all shadow of a doubt that this name change is thus in order (if not in fact long overdue!) - and although I would love nothing more than to wax poetic on our cumulative lack of success, I think it is only right to spell out the virtues of our new name and the person who we stole it from. A town needs balance, doggone it! Although hard to believe, and thankfully we have pictures to prove it, Rep. Susan Fagan (R. Pullman) willingly came to our 100 Year Festival, rode in the parade such as it was, and somehow managed to demonstrate the internal resolve and outrageous intestinal fortitude to not flee in blind horror after what had to seem to her like decades in the gulag, (although it was in fact many, many hours which is cruel enough! Talk about above and beyond the call of duty!) for crying out loud. That fine woman was able to endure 'the Lamont Experience' for longer than any single individual in our dadburn history - a feat that ranks right up there with Sir Edmond Hillary climbing Mount Everest for the first time even though he lost his stupid mittens at the 26,000 foot mark! (he should have listened to his mother and pinned them to each sleeve!) Susan Fagan is a hero, I tell you. She has the right stuff and then some! And even after she left she somehow managed to refrain from calling in an air strike or artillery barrage or whatever to put the town out of its misery! What compassion! What grit!" he gushed! "Oh, we just love her! I just hope she doesn't sue us for defamation of character or whatever for associating our town with her formerly good name. Its not like we would blame her, however" he said diplomatically. "Heck, I feel like suing myself half the time for being dumb enough to be the doggone mayor, for crying out loud" he concluded with his usual muddied and annoyingly circular reasoning - always having to bring the discussion back to himself and his stupid 'so-called' problems!
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