Aug 10, 2010

Town Contemplates Drastic and Long Overdue Name Change To Much More Successful Sounding "Faganville"

The lowly town of Lamont, long near the bottom in population size in a state known for its quite numerous small towns, finally came to the realization that maybe naming the fledgling town after a mountain that does not in fact exist in some doggone foreign language might not have been such a good idea after all and that some sort of cosmic hex or doom-like curse or whatever might yet still be associated with this 'slight of hand' pulled over on the unsuspecting State by our crafty and conniving town founding fathers exactly 100 years ago this year. As anyone who has ever been to Lamont can testify (all 12 of you), Lamont, a word that means "The Mountain" in some second-string language long ago surpassed by the much more manly and guttural sounding English tongue, is without question decidedly free of mountains and in fact is pretty darn flat, especially on the side of town that is nestled up against that would-be National rattlesnake reserve, also known affectionately as "The Scablands". Given the quite unsettling and less than stellar achievement of the Town under that patently false name, it only makes sense to try to hitch the town's wagon to a star that is obviously going places and one that does not carry the stigma of failure and underachievement like Lamont does - or so it would seem! So, obviously and for once, the citizenry glommed onto the one name that everyone agrees has spunk and promise - the name of our favorite State representative - yes, the name of Susan Fagan herself! (Oh, we're not worthy! We're not worthy!)

"Well, let me put it to you this way!" said the only guy dumb enough in the whole dern town to be the Mayor. (Oh, is he ever dumb!) "We are 100 years old and do not now nor have we ever had a public restroom! Do I really need to say more than that?" he said decisively. "Okay, that should be enough, but since you asked (Editorial Note: Did anyone ask him about that? We don't remember that!! In fact, we were hoping he would just shut the heck up already!) - let's just say that we are not the 2nd smallest town in the state for no reason. Oh yeah, and we went 60+ years and never put a lick of paint on our fire station, for crying out loud. And we let our water get so bad that even those unfortunate yet surprisingly sturdy houseplants that didn't drop all their leaves after the first watering seldom managed to live out the month, poor things. Oh, I could drone on endlessly for hours, (isn't that what he is doing now?) pointing out a million little historically bad choices, any one of which would convince even the most jaded skeptic beyond all shadow of a doubt that this name change is thus in order (if not in fact long overdue!) - and although I would love nothing more than to wax poetic on our cumulative lack of success, I think it is only right to spell out the virtues of our new name and the person who we stole it from. A town needs balance, doggone it! Although hard to believe, and thankfully we have pictures to prove it, Rep. Susan Fagan (R. Pullman) willingly came to our 100 Year Festival, rode in the parade such as it was, and somehow managed to demonstrate the internal resolve and outrageous intestinal fortitude to not flee in blind horror after what had to seem to her like decades in the gulag, (although it was in fact many, many hours which is cruel enough! Talk about above and beyond the call of duty!) for crying out loud. That fine woman was able to endure 'the Lamont Experience' for longer than any single individual in our dadburn history - a feat that ranks right up there with Sir Edmond Hillary climbing Mount Everest for the first time even though he lost his stupid mittens at the 26,000 foot mark! (he should have listened to his mother and pinned them to each sleeve!) Susan Fagan is a hero, I tell you. She has the right stuff and then some! And even after she left she somehow managed to refrain from calling in an air strike or artillery barrage or whatever to put the town out of its misery! What compassion! What grit!" he gushed! "Oh, we just love her! I just hope she doesn't sue us for defamation of character or whatever for associating our town with her formerly good name. Its not like we would blame her, however" he said diplomatically. "Heck, I feel like suing myself half the time for being dumb enough to be the doggone mayor, for crying out loud" he concluded with his usual muddied and annoyingly circular reasoning - always having to bring the discussion back to himself and his stupid 'so-called' problems!

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