Aug 24, 2010

Mayor Slowly Recuperating After Receiving Mysterious Message From Friend Long Believed "Departed" (Yes, this is another true story!)

As if the cold, icy fingers of doom were reaching out from beyond 'the great void' to drag a lowly elected official to his just and toasty rewards, an area mayor stared his eternal and decidedly undesirable fate in the face when, upon opening his email, there was a message lurking ominously in his inbox (like the patient, ever-vigilant 'Grim Reaper' himself) with the name of a friend who the mayor believed to have 'passed on' in some tragic accident years ago. (Oh, like we needed any more reasons not to believe idle gossip!) This supposedly 'departed' friend, a certain Cindy of Hattiesburg, Mississippi fame, is obviously alive and kicking (and causing trouble, we are sure!), thus forcing the mayor to reexamine what other potentially bogus intel he has absorbed over the years that is just nothing more than 10 pounds of 'you know what' in the proverbial 5 pound bag! "Well, it was quite a shock, let me tell you" said the still deathly white and quaking mayor from his creaking hospital bed. (Psychiatric, of course!) "You know, one should always attempt to gauge the blood/alcohol level of the person giving you supposedly tragic information over the phone, for crying out loud! That is a good idea on any number of levels, not the least of which being the obviously negative implications of receiving a personal message from "the other side" any number of years later" he whimpered pathetically. "So, after regaining my composure (and changing his shorts!), I studied the wording of her email in some detail, trying in vain to determine from which direction it was sent, if you get my meaning, but being unable to ascertain any pertinent insights into that all important element, I just decided to respond and see what the heck happened" he croaked meekly.

"Well, after college the whole bunch of us just kind of got blown around the place by the four winds and we lost touch with each other to a large degree. (oddly, no one but the mayor seemed to ever lose touch with anyone - or people just 'lost touch with him', more like it!) Anyway, any number of years into this wayward sojourn I managed to run across an old college friend's phone number (late on a Friday night, unfortunately) and I proceeded to ask him about all the important people from our shared and quite inglorious past. That is when he dropped the somewhat slurred bombshell on me about Cindy! It was one of those unbelievable body blows that is more easily repressed than dealt with directly, but one that I have visited in my mind on a quite frequent basis over the years. It was a testament to the seeming unfairness and inexplicability of this pain-filled orb we trod, let me tell you. I mean, I met her on my first day in college when I was alone, vulnerable and pensive (don't forget dressed like a geek! Oh, those high-water pants and sleeveless tee-shirt with a bear or something on it were really quite embarrassing!) and we were fast friends ever since - that is until she got married, became some big shot and forgot all about her otherwise unmemorable friends who she plucked from obscurity and single-handedly helped to give a purpose to in those all important college years, that is" he sniveled ungratefully. "I mean, I can't really blame her for forgetting all about me given the fact that I have that same problem myself (with himself!), but after her tragic and ultimately totally false demise, the receipt of an email from her was really a wonderful surprise once I realized it wasn't some irresistible cosmic summons sent from the low-rent side of the River Styx, that is! Heck, she has been married to the same guy for 23 years, has 2 great kids, a fancy job and that same twangy accent, I am sure. The good thing is, now that I know she is safe, I have all the more reason to forgive her when I once again fade into nothingness as it relates to her current life and we go another 20 years without touching base or her giving me even a passing thought in her otherwise happy, meaning-filled and vibrant life as a faithful Christian wife, mother, employee and friend. (or one of those fancy friends she doesn't forget about for 1/4th of her doggone life, that is!) That really means a lot to me! And who can blame her for letting someone like me completely slip her mind for decades? That is all very understandable, if you ask me" he said quite generously.

("Editorial Note: The mayor and his Lazarus-like friend Cindy both attended the somewhat underrated yet decidedly fun "University of Southern Mississippi" in the 1980's, once again proving, at least as far as the mayor goes, that modern universities really do make an effort to elevate those less cognitively fortunate in society and to give them a chance to make something of themselves, although being the mayor of the 2nd smallest town in the State is really not much of an endorsement of their ultimate educational output, to put it mildly! In fact, this is almost reason enough to cut funding for higher education in this country across the board by 80%, for crying out loud! Whoa! The Lamont Blog just hopes that we don't get some snarky letter from the University lawyers distancing themselves from this somewhat disreputable association once and for all. In fact, we are surprised that we have not received a 'cease and desist' order while writing this darn article, for crying out loud!)

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