Dec 6, 2010

Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) Stunned, Confused After Town Accidentally Does Something Right

The lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont, thru no fault of their own, did something that everyone seems to agree was a good thing, contrary to the prevailing wisdom in the surrounding area that that is, in fact, a metaphysical impossibility and beyond the scope of rational consideration. In truth, the very reality that anything good could ever come out of a place where the long-term residents insist that nothing good can ever flow forth was so shocking that no one can even remember what the doggone good thing was, for Pete's sake!

"What? Lamont did something right? Oh, that is just so wrong!" bellowed Dodo Festoon, 56, a part-time farm wife and alpha busybody/gossip/battle ax! "Half of my own somewhat inverted self-image comes from griping about the supposedly cruddy town I almost live in (in fact, she lives 12 miles outside the Town limits so why she claims us is one of those unfortunate circumstances that one can only chalk up to the very devil himself!) but, of course, I never lift a finger to help, so if they have good things going on over there, even by accident, then how am I supposed to prevent them from happening thru my energetic meddling and malignant mischief-making? Anyway, so how am I to thus reinforce my teetering and twisted self-esteem structure that pivots on blaming others for my own shocking inadequacies and lack of moral fortitude if the town does, in fact, do good things?" she stammered disgustedly (and incoherently!) "That is exactly why me and that whole coven of negative farm wives/gripe bags don't want no change around here! Once you modify even a small thing, then, like a fetid house of cards, our whole flawed and embarrassing edifice comes crashing down around us like one of those barns 'Old Man Snopes' continues to put up year after year. It is insanity, I tell you! We need things to stay the same so no one can see how goofed up we have been all these years!!!" she screeched, breaking glass as far away as Sprague! (and stampeding cattle in a 17 mile radius! Oh, those poor cows are skittish enough with all of those low flying planes and that unfortunate 'wolf re-introduction program' and all!! Do they really need this aggravation, too? I mean, come on!!)

"Well, being the mayor of a place where a vast majority of the area population will put a negative spin on even the most magnanimous of gallant gestures can be a little off-putting, but once you can learn to tune out that frequency it just ain't that bad, really!" said the long suffering and thick skinned area mayor. "Sure, folks in the Lamont area would gripe about a reprieve from the Governor 30 seconds before the hangman pulls the lever on them (and sadly, given Lamont's former crime statistics that these same so-called 'ruling elite' were more than comfortable with and/or even encouraged, several of our notorious area ne're-do-wells have actually done just that!) - but one just needs to realize that negativity is a way of life in this corner of the Palouse and just continue to soldier on, that's all. That is just the way some folks are - and we seem to have more than a few. It is more sad than anything, really. Sure, it is annoying to the extreme and all, but if you can ever get to where you just feel sorry for a person, that makes it a whole lot easier, I guess" he said sympathetically.

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