Dec 24, 2010

Santa Tragically Strays Into Lamont's Airspace For The First Time Since 1910!!

The lowly and unrepentantly self-destructive town of Lamont, well known in these parts for being decidedly top heavy on the naughty while the nice has been pretty much kicked to the curb, (Whoa! Talk about an understatement!!) momentarily got their holiday hopes up when, due to some inexplicable reindeer malfunction or whatever, the formerly 'Jolly St. Nick' (Also known in these parts as 'that fat guy in the red suit who dresses up like that bell-ringing guy in the Wal-Mart parking lot in Airway Heights'!!) unfortunately flew over the town on his way to those other really nice towns like St. John and Sprague and Fairfield - not to mention the quite awesome County Seat - Colfax! For the record, Santa has officially bypassed the 2nd smallest town in the State ever since its founding in 1910, due in no small part to what an official North Pole spokesperson called "behavior most unbecoming for any town not officially in the grips of a civil war or other such societal upheaval".

"Well, there I was, starting on my 2nd 12-pack since noon when out of no where I heard someone shouting "Ho, Ho, Ho" - so naturally I went bursting into the front yard like a maniac (wearing a stained, "wife beater" shirt, of course!), 12-gauge shotgun in hand, ready to defend the decidedly tarnished honor of the gentler (at least he didn't say fairer! Whoa!) members of the quite expansive Bodine clan!" said the somewhat inebriated Festus 'Skeeter' Bodine, 56, an area farmer/rancher. "Sure, we all treat our family members like they were dirt, especially the womenfolk, but I'll be dadburned if I am going to allow some rotund interloper just passing thru to do it without me being there and egging them on, of course!" he said proudly. "Anyway, when I glanced up to where all that name calling was coming from, I just happened to see that Santa feller come passing over with all them mule deer or whatever the heck that was! Sadly, I was only able to get off two quick shots of buckshot before that crafty sneak had slinked over the dadburn horizon! I am pretty certain I winged the sucker though, although it was hard to tell given that some stupid and quite unexpected airborne sack of coal rendered me senseless in the snow for just about an hour! (If he would have been knocked unconscious by flying coal in our well-plowed and beautifully designed roads, he could have avoided that little 'face in the snow' problem! But do you think the Town will ever get credit for that! Heck no!! All people want to do is complain!) Well, that ought to teach them outsiders to come traipsing into Lamont, just 'a-doing' whatever the heck they think pleases them at the moment! This is our town and we don't need none of that outsider happiness and good cheer around here! It tends to dampen our usual ardor for self-loathing and has the propensity to take all the fun out of hating our neighbors and being generally rotten human beings, sure enough! Why do you think so many of us moved way out here in the first place? Where else could we get away with such blatantly antisocial behavior? Heck, around here, it is the more meanness the merrier!" he beamed thru a disturbing number of missing teeth, tending to remind any onlooker more of Halloween than of the festive Christmas season itself!.

(Editorial Note: Although several attempts have been made to make the Christmas holidays the official Lamont "Fat Guy In A Red Suit" hunting season, with a limit of one per resident, of course, the Council, in their wisdom, has yet to actually vote on the measure, although it does meet with the solid support of well over 70% of the citizenry who, thankfully, mostly cannot vote due to previous felony convictions or failure to ever register - many of said felonies ironically involving firearms and, of course, whatever cheap alcohol swill was on sale that day. And as for the somewhat haphazard shotgun blasts that Mr. Bodine quite incautiously took at the above referenced "Mr. Claus", official incident reports indicate that, like most things that the hapless Skeeter and his ilk does, this blatant, to say nothing of felonious, assault went awry, and no damage to man, beast or sled was reported to Santa's insurance provider. Thank you!)

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