Dec 2, 2010

Shock Study: 2nd Smallest Town In The State Has The Best Doggone Snowplowed Roads In The Whole Dadburn Region

In a stunning revelation that runs counter to basic human intuition, 100 years of largely lackadaisical performance on just about every level, the whole principle of 'Economies of Scale' and the very fact that Lamont cannot grab their own rear-end with both hands on a good day, a recent informal survey of snow removal in Eastern Washington placed the hapless, struggling, often self-destructive town of Lamont as the top performer when it came to municipal snow removal. "Well, being the mayor of this town has been an experience that will last me a lifetime, let me tell you, but a snow-related honor such as this, unfortunately, is likely to just rile up the local and area folks even more - you just watch. From the feedback we have received so far, one would think that the Town of Lamont paid to have other towns ship their excess snow in here to dump at every major intersection! Oh, the wailing and gnashing of teeth has been deafening, although actual driving conditions after we got done plowing have never been better! Lamont (and the surrounding area, too!! You should never forget those little darlings!) is a town that could be starving and complain about a free Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings! Lamont is a town that, if lost without supplies in the Sahara desert for three days, would complain about the glass of water someone so graciously handed them! Let's face it, we have the largest concentration of nags and bellyachers and nitpickers and general malcontents that you can expect to find anywhere! (and none of these people ever volunteer for a doggone thing, of course! That would just be self-defeating!) But it is nice we have the best-plowed roads, though! I guess I need to brace myself for the complaints about how much money the town spent per capita to make the roads so much nicer than the surrounding towns! I am sure the argument will be that if it is good enough for 'Town X' then why would Lamont do any better than that. Oh, it is always something around here!" he sighed resignedly!

"Well, all I have to say is that I wish the Town did a whole lot better or a whole lot worse!" said Dick Dumas, 56, a local griper extraordinaire. "Anyway, I was walking by the corner of 8th and Spokane Streets and I saw a snowball in the intersection that one of the kids had thrown - just sitting there like some beacon of snowplowing incompetence, so of course I marched right over to that doggone mayor's house to express my quite extensive, multi-layered and ultimately mercurial outrage to him in person! I mean, why was the snowplow not poised right there, just waiting for some errant snowball to be cast into a major intersection in the town? What are they doing over there? If I were the Mayor, I would have a truck dedicated to every stinking intersection in the town to handle just such horrific eventualities! But no, that stupid mayor was just sitting back, waiting for some passing car to go crashing into the baseball sized menace - with the potential loss of life and all of that!" he fumed, working himself up into the third real lather of the day! (The first one had to do with a guest on Oprah and the 2nd one had to do with the unfairness of the lottery - given that he never wins!) "If the town is not going to remove every single flake and clump of snow that just happens to take up residence in this town, then why do they do anything at all? Oh, and they better not be paying for this snow removal, neither! If huge piles of snow are good enough for (Town/City name redacted!), then they are sure as heck good enough for us!" he rambled incoherently, once again arguing both sides of the debate at the same time - as is the nature of the citizenry for miles around! (Don't forget the little darlings!) "Anyway, whatever they do is just plain wrong, that's all! And I know they are doing it just to make me mad - which just serves to make me even madder!" he sputtered like a true paranoiac - spittle flying in a perfect 180 degree arc - thus increasing the accumulated moisture problem that so vexes him!

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