Dec 9, 2010

Significant Portions Of Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area (GLMA) ' No Fun At All!', Says The Quite Peeved, Challenge-Loving Devil Himself

The Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area, (GLMA), living up to its somewhat well-deserved reputation of being lackadaisical and underachieving in just about all things, has somehow even managed to disappoint the devil, who, contrary to popular stereotypes, likes a good challenge when it comes to subverting the hapless mankind from its ultimate mission of returning to the loving bosom of the Lord. "Well, half of the fun of being the devil revolves around setting clever snares and traps and other 'devices most devious', so when I come to a little town in the heartland of America - you know, one where people pride themselves on being 'true blue' Americans and all (and why we all moved here in the first place), it is just assumed that there will be a bit of a scuffle or dust-up or real resistance of some kind, however half-hearted, from people in positions of responsibility as I display my wares of deception in preparation for my wicked harvest!" said the none-too-pleased Evil One. "So, when I planted the seeds of inaction, lethargy, laziness and laggardly inattention all those decades ago, I had no idea that some of the folks in these parts would so whole-heartedly adopt these principles of mine and in turn suck all of the fight and spunk out of the place! I won't plant that same bitter harvest again when I go to my next small town, let me tell you! I crave resistance, not meek submission! This has been no fun at all!" he fumed with sulfurous vexation while stamping his cloven hoof! "Sure, in the past I sent all those biting dogs to terrorize the citizenry, but who would have thought that some of the long-term area 'leaders', would defend the families who owned them and unleashed them on helpless school children! Yes, I was the one, way back when, who brought all those energetic and fruitful crime-friendly families to the town, but who would have guessed that some of the area 'ruling elite' would so eagerly befriend, embrace and defend them against the scourge of the law! (Yes, who would have thought THAT!!! Whoa! Thank goodness most are gone!) And finally, I was the one who made the town water go bad, but who would have thought (he almost said 'thunk'! Oh, who would have guessed the devil had such bad grammar? Yikes!) that a disturbingly large segment of the regional elite, almost all living outside the Town itself, would complain about the benefits of the new water system! Where is the dern fun in that? (Wow, the 'Dark One' really does have bad grammar issues! Whoa!!) How boring! How nauseatingly mundane! Oh, I hate nothing more than a willing victim, that's all!" he hissed ominously, flicking his forked tail like an angry Komodo dragon or whatever!

"Well, one always hates to agree with the devil, but in this case I find myself in that quite unenviable position!" said an area mayor, more than a little shame-facedly! "I mean, time after time, year after year, we have met resistance to basic civilization initiatives from the most surprising of places! It just seems that some (not all!) of the 'old timers' in these parts would do just about anything to make sure Lamont stays in the fetid Dark Ages where mob justice reigned supreme and where certain lawless individuals, families and groups could prey on the innocent folks who just want to mind their own business! (or sit by while it happened! This has changed in large part, too!) And what ever happened to the intrinsic appreciation of the principles of American representative democracy in these parts, anyway? Is that another thing the devil clouded their judgment on, too? I thought these America-First types loved America - but then why do they show such hate and contempt by undermining her sacred institutions - like 'one man-one vote', electoral boundaries, separation of church and state, representative government for the governed and all of that?" he murmured inquisitively! "Oh, that devil is a crafty little scamp, indeed!" he concluded with his usual degree of understatement.

(Editorial Note: Of course this is a parody on the acceptance of bad behavior in general and no one, regardless of how tempting it is, should associate these poorly crafted paragraphs with actual or implied demonic influences in Lamont proper. Towns develop an ethos for what behaviors are acceptable, and regardless of the influences that help create that ethos, it is a very real thing - and one Lamont has quite successfully attempted to change, however painful that might have been in implementation. (It is an ongoing battle folks!) So, why not blame those motivations on the devil, anyway? Everyone else blames him! He does seem to have his hands in so many pies! Talk about a go-getter! Thank you!)

No comments: