The Lamont area, long known for its shocking absence of municipal and personal achievements of any kind, stunned the entire Pacific Northwest when it was awarded a rare "First Place" in a competition conducted across the State. "Whoa! I can't believe it! We won! We won! Oh, mercy! Someone get me a glass of that outrageously pure Lamont drinking water courtesy of the USDA-RD, Dept. of Commerce and Century West Engineering before I pass out! Quick!!" (yes, the Lamont Blog is not above even the most shameless of plugs! But come on, when you are as small and dysfunctional as we are, you have to thank the folks who make things happen!) bellowed an area mayor - a man who, given the very nature of his somewhat dubious position, has not seen success or acclamation of any kind in over 5 years. (Nor has the town in well over 100!!!) "I mean, sure, I knew this whole area had a lot of folks who had the nickname of "Bubba" - (pronounced locally as "Bubb-er"!!) but to have the largest number of them, both in terms of a percentage of total population and in real numbers too, well, that is just a dream come true!! Oh, we actually won something! See, we can succeed, albeit in the margins of society, after all!!!!" he gushed insanely, gazing heavenward with a thoughtful, madness-laden repose!"Sure, when I first moved here, it was pretty darn easy to address people properly - given that a vast majority of the area folks all pretty much went by the same name (sadly, this even extended to the area womenfolk!) - so I had very few socially awkward moments when I called someone by the wrong name! I hate it when I do that!" said the sensitive, socially-conscious public servant. "But, given that we are a town with fewer than 100 people, what are the chances that we would dominate the whole dern State with our obviously unhealthy propensity for naming people "Bubba"? Yikes, it is like a miracle or something! I just wish my poor mother was still alive to share this glory with me! Oh, we actually won something! Someone pinch me!" he stammered excitedly! " See, my five years in the mayoral salt mines were not a complete and total waste, after all!" he blathered annoyingly, always having to make every situation about himself somehow! (Oh, that is so annoying!!!)
(Editorial Note: Although not officially part of the competition itself, the GLMA also had the highest number of people named "Skeeter", Moose, Festus and Jed, although these unfortunate monikers were not officially recognized in the above referenced competition - so that stupid mayor cannot do some distasteful 'victory dance' (known more specifically as the quite disturbing 'Rump Shaker'!) in the front yard over them! Thank you. Oh yeah, and no one even bothered to get him a glass of water like he wanted, either, given that we are not his mother and/or his legs aren't broken, for Pete's sake!! Plus, that would be considered 'helping' - which runs counter to our collective, unspoken creed that binds us together more firmly than even the most solemn of pagan blood oaths!)
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