Dec 30, 2010

"We Lost! It's Over! Long Beach Has Vanquished Us!" Says Area Mayor To Stunned, Tear-Filled Citizenry

In a living example of "Victory has 1000 fathers while defeat is an orphan", an area mayor, stating the obvious that any dern fool with half a lick of sense would have seen with crystalline clarity months or years ago, broke the news that the Town of Lamont, - a small, self-absorbed, barely functioning, largely cannibalistic incorporated entity, (and a mere 'town' - not even a doggone fancy-pants 'city'!) has been crushed under the sheer organizational and geographical superiority of one of the gems of small city North America, that doggone Long Beach, WA itself! (Well, we can at least bask in their reflective glory, I guess!)

"Well, what can I say? We are a landlocked little town without a store that pretty much smells like those unfortunate cow byproducts 24/7, for Pete's sake!" said the obviously pained mayor (with a look in his eyes like a rabbit who stumbled out of the bushes only to catch the undivided attention of a nimble, energetic coyote who hasn't eaten in a week!) while scanning for potential avenues of escape from the decidedly unhappy, churning, and edgy mob! "Listen, Long Beach is nestled on the best ocean in the world, they have places to eat and - oh yeah, they have those tourist people (whatever they are - is that like those doggone Canadians, irritable Idahoans or sneaky Shriners or something? What is a tourist, anyway?) who will willingly drive over there to see them without some under-the-table bribe or some such behavior that rests firmly on the shady side of the law! (And don't forget Long Beach has that doggone Gayle Borchard! Darn her glimmering little eyes! How could we ever compete against that?) They are just better than we are, that's all! I know it hurts, but sometimes the cold, hard truth is the best disinfectant for small town dysfunction, for crying out loud!" he mumbled as several of the onlookers rushed home to get their torches and pitchforks - as is the Lamont way! "Listen, we fought the good fight, but petty, small-minded, passive-aggressiveness is just no match against excellent city planning and having a citizenry that appreciates the very foundations of the English Common Law tradition, that's all!" he said soothingly, while backing off the podium in preparation for a mad dash to safety in his largely unknown root cellar! "Listen, I know you are upset! I know you are hurt! I know you feel betrayed! But maybe a relaxing vacation in that soothing vacation Mecca, Long Beach, would bring peace to our ruffled municipal feathers! What do you say! Whose up for a road trip?" said the unbelievable, completely out of touch with the spirit of the people nincompoop!

(Editorial Note: Oh, the humanity! Talk about a political death wish! The dern fool just pretty much lit the fuse to the dynamite that will, more than likely, blow what is left of his tarnished, tattered political capital to smithereens, for Pete sake! What was he thinking?? Oh, how could he mention that doggone Long Beach at a time like this - and as the dadburn medicinal cure for what ails us as a sad, spent, stumbling little town whose light of hope grows dimmer every day, too? What a fool! I mean, how politically and emotionally 'tone deaf' can one elected official be? That is the equivalent of inviting the victims of Hurricane Katrina or that big tsunami to a day at the doggone wave pool! Oh, no wonder Lamont is in such a state! How we survived this long is a mystery to the caring and long suffering staff at the Lamont Blog, that is for sure! Thank you, we think!)

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