In a bizarre set of circumstances that defy logic, common sense, Murphy's Law and almost every known cliché and mixed metaphor related to unusual events, Century West Engineering keeps making Lamont look good regardless of how much blatant incompetence, crushing ignorance, bumbling good intentions and 'good old boy' tomfoolery Lamont and the surrounding area throw in their path. "Well, being an elected official, I can safely say that no one is more surprised than me" said the mayor. "I mean we mean well and all, but being a small town in a largely rural district, it is not like we have to interface with the 21st century on a daily basis. Heck, we are lucky to rub shoulders with modernity two or three times a year, and that's if we're feeling spunky and over-reach our natural capacity by a factor of two or three, for Pete's sake!!!" he said. "So, needless to say, when it comes to things like infrastructure improvement and revitalizing core functions that make towns actually work, our supply of outrageous roadblocks, laughable 'work-arounds', hair-brained schemes, poor communications and a complete and total absence of team orientation and common sense is almost limitless. And this not only applies to the Town, but reaches out into organizations in the surrounding countryside, too! But in spite of that, Century West Engineering, represented by the likes of Dennis Fuller (the engineering 'Renaissance Man' of the operation) and Bryan Hicks (Brian, surely destined for greatness should he ever shake off his current string of unbelievable bad luck, sadly drew the short straw when names were being selected for this plum assignment and is now the superb engineering consultant/interface for Lamont - although after this he will be more than qualified to negotiate an end to the Arab-Israeli conflict or solve world hunger or something), somehow continue to pull Lamont's chestnuts out of the fire over and over. It's just kind of unreal, if you ask me" mused the mayor superstitiously while making hand gestures as if to ward off the 'evil eye'."I wish I had a dollar for every time I could honestly say 'okay, let's see Century West pull us out of THIS one!!' only to have to bonk myself on the forehead like that guy in the V-8 juice commercial when Century West somehow comes up with a solution to some vexing problem that faces a vast majority of small towns the world over" he stammered. "And all of these problems are not even of a technical nature, either. To do what they do and produce the sort of track record they have, they have to be one part NASA and one part boxing referee, with a healthy dose of Dr. Phil thrown in. I mean we are very lucky to have them and all, but I am beginning to doubt our natural ability to 'goof' things up at this point. That was always a source of pride, not only for the Town, but for the whole darn region! I'm just afraid that we're beginning to slip in our old age. That is kind of sad if you think about it. We have a lot of man-hours vested in that whole personae" he said despairingly.
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[Mayor Lacy was on Dr. Phil today, and I caught the first part of the show. Here's what I was able to pick up before I had to leave...]
Welcome to the show. Today we're talking with Steve Lacy, the mayor of Lamont, Washington, which is the second smallest town in his state, about his community's attempt to cure the deficiencies in their fire district building slash town hall and bring it up to code or possibly start from scratch with a new building.
Now this is a very interesting story and a little snippet of Americana, because it's the kind of growing pains towns like Lamont go through when there's a need to upgrade to modern conveniences, and an undertow of people who are probably well-meaning in their own mind, but in reality do everything they can to thwart the process.
Now here's the real heart of the story we'll be discussing today: in every fire I've ever witnessed, or seen on TV, or whatever, the brave men and women who have volunteered to put their own lives at risk to save someone else's home, or business, or barn, or whatever, they get dirty and smoky in the process. What if those dedicated heroes of the community got back to the fire station and had no place to shower and clean up, and were forced to go home to their families all dirty and smelly, and bring that influence into their homes? That's the situation in Lamont. And as if to add insult to injury, the town fathers back in - I believe you said it was the fifties, Steve? - unlike every other municipal building I've ever heard of, did not even have the courtesy to provide restrooms for their loyal servants. Not even a toilet and a sink in a closet. No indoor plumbing at all. If I could get in a time machine and go back to the planning meeting where restrooms were left off the blueprints, I'd have just one thing to say to the members of that committee: "What were you thinking?"
We'll visit with Mr. Lacy and find out your thoughts on his town's plight after the break.
[At this point the show went to commercial. I couldn't stay for the rest, sorry.]
Wow!! If Lamont puts in privies and a shower for their volunteer fire department I'm moving!! That would be wonderful. I've never been in a town with a volunteer unit before that had those facilities. I guess Lamont is moving up in the 'food chain.' Of course, it's probably those three pups that are the instigators of this wonderful plan.
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