Feb 23, 2009

Retired Rancher 'Old Man Snopes' Can't Believe His 'No Good Son' Almost Ate The Whole Darn Herd!

Although he should be basking in his golden years after decades of hard work raising cattle in the Palouse, Jethro Snopes, patriarch of the Snopes clan of Lamont, was thrown in to a controversy that could, if left unchecked, unravel his dynastic ambitions and allow 50 years of hard work to be discarded like so many sparerib bones at the devil's own barbecue. "Well, the wife and I were enjoying the twilight of our lives in the one place we really love - the world class resort and spa - Dollywood - in Pigeon Forge, TN". said patriarch Snopes from a payphone at the 7-11 outside the "Grand Old Opera. "These should be the best of times! The wife still can't believe she saw Conway Twitty in the Piggly-Wiggly grocery store the other day. (All of the big name country stars shop at Piggly-Wiggly because of their extensive chewing tobacco selection and the 27 varieties of flavored pork rinds). So, when I got the call that the once proud herd I bequeathed to the only son dumb enough to stay and work the ranch had been whittled down to just a handful of animals, I just hit the roof. I started screaming and hollering - and the poor wife, bless her heart, thought I had seen Dolly herself and went running to get the camera and almost ran out into the street in her house coat and slippers, for Pete's sake!. (out of politeness he left out the part about the little pink curlers covering her unnaturally red hair) It was pure pandemonium!!" he said with brave understatement.

"Well, you do the best you can when it comes to raising kids, but there is really only so much you have to work with" said Poppa Snopes. "That boy of mine was nothing but a disappointment. I can't remember which one was a bigger milestone, getting a driver's license or no longer wetting the bed. It was just unfortunate that they both happened in the same year - it is better for self esteem if those major events are separated by a few years, in my opinion" said the patriarch. "So when we decided to leave the Palouse to immerse ourselves in the height of culture and class and move to Pigeon Forge, I gave that idiot son of mine specific instructions on the care and feeding of the herd. I even wrote it down!. I mean come on - what more could I do?" he whined. "What I want to know is how do you go from over 500 cows to just a handful in under 4 years? I mean, was the ranch invaded by barbarians or something? I just don't understand! I have heard of eating the seed corn before - but this takes that bad decision-making to a whole new level!" he seethed with a genuine look of consternation on his weather-beaten yet kindly face.

"I knew the wife let him watch too much TV as a kid. That stupid box just filled his head with high-fluting ideas and a big bunch of nonsense - and look where he is today!" he said distractedly while swiveling his head to look at a man who held a general likeness to Johnny Cash. "Well, at least I got enough to retire on. I coddled that boy for too long - he is just going to have to get himself out of this mess on his own. I just hope he can control his appetite until then - or at least try eating chicken or fish a couple of times a week. That boy's arteries must be as clogged as the Los Angeles freeway system after an earthquake" said Snopes, Sr. with a general tone of fatherly concern and what passes for love on the wind swept reaches of the Palouse.


sheri s. said...

The real reason that poor ole Buzz Snopes ate all his herd is insiduous commercials. See, the pigs congregated and formed an ad hoc committee, and then inserted subliminal "Eat Beef" commercials in all the old western reruns. Guess it works!

They've even done it to dog treats. Instead of consuming large portions of Pig Ears, my faithful Airedale now eats "Better Than Ears", some fake peanute butter flavored swill marketed by the Hog Caucus.

A Jug Of That Good Ol' Mountain Dew said...

You varmint! You coddled that boy like a coddling moth, and now you blame him for eatin' the herd like a moth eats clothes. "High-fluting" ideas indeed - much like the ladies in lingerie blowing silver branches in amongst Eckart Preu's penguins. Talk about Miss Kitty, lordy-be!

The apple don't fall far from the tree, you danged bed-wetter. Don't forget to change your Depends before the evening program. You don't want to squish like an engorged sponge if Dolly comes over to sit on your lap during an ironic performance of "I Will Always Love You."

Maybe in your next life, God-willing that you should have a second chance like that George feller from "It's A Wonderful Life", you'll turn off the dern idiot box. An' speakin' of TV, you gotta lotta nerve accusin' the boob tube of ruinin' yer son after years of neglect whilst you sit there and stare up at the livin' boob tube known as Dolly, fer Pete's sake!