May 11, 2009

Great Moments In American History

As we all know, our collective history is replete with wonderful moments that fill our hearts with joy and bring tears to our eyes. From the moment we threw off the shackles of a bunch of English guys with white wigs (to say nothing of those snooty accents), it seemed like our cultural trajectory was ever onward and upward. Well, as of late, America's fortunes have appeared to be a little frayed around the edges and our luster has been dimmed somewhat. So, being a patriotic lot, the Town of Lamont has stepped up in order to reverse this downward national slide into the natural order of decline and decay on the Roman model. Let us all hope that this great nation will draw strength from Lamont's mosquito control example and that we will pull ourselves up by our collective national bootstraps, get off our lazy posteriors and plunge right into a bright and vibrant future. Sure, it may be on Lamont's shoulders to lead this fine nation back to a 'can-do' spirit now, but although it appears inconceivable at this point, there may be a time in the future that Lamont will not be in a position to so forcefully lead this nation, and thus the world. So, if and when that sad day should appear, may this proud land remember Lamont's contribution to our nation's collective psychological recovery (and all those mosquitoes we killed!) and lend a hand to us, too. Plus, we can have guests in our town now that they will not have to get a blood transfusion upon leaving the Town limits. Oh, these are heady days, indeed! Hey, don't forget the "Music in the Park" program in Lamont starting at Noon on May 31st. Come on down and hear some local musicians share their God given talents! (thankfully, the Mayor has received numerous bribes (almost exclusively in the form of food!) to not sing as is his custom, so it should be an enjoyable day all the way around!) And unlike in previous years, you won't have to bring mosquito spray (at least not the type/strength they had to use in Vietnam!) Sadly, there will be no open mic, but you can sing along with the actual performers, however! (bring your own lunch - there will be plenty of picnic space in the shade!)


Tim from Idaho said...

Oh, how shameless! Next thing you know Lamont will be crowing because the street lights came on. Get a grip, people. Come over to Idaho where we take all of this stuff for granted. I wonder if it would be constitutional to give Washington to Canada? Oh, brother. Idaho rules!

A Complete Sellout said...

What? No karaoke? Then how are we supposed to attract investors from the Far East to buy us out at greatly inflated prices so we can go live with Tim in Idaho? Arrgh! This is a disaster in the making. I can feel it in my bones. [heavy sigh] Might as well let the mayor sing.