May 16, 2009

Hollywood Weighs Options For Major Motion Picture Based On Lamont's "Mosquito Wars"

Hollywood, ever eager to capitalize on human suffering and anguish, is contemplating the production of a major epic saga - incorporating the basic themes of "Gone With The Wind", "Star Wars" and of course, that perennial classic "Deliverance". (what movie about Lamont would be complete without numerous allusions to that moving tale of cultural conflict and forgotten, dysfunctional subcultures lost in a modern world, anyway?) The movie, based loosely around Lamont's 100 year struggle against the common mosquito, will be part coming of age story and part horror flick that highlights the challenges faced by Lamont as it stares down the forces of nature while confronting its own personal shortcomings, shocking self-absorption, questionable motivations, aversion to modernity, general laziness, casualness about hygiene and the overwhelming desire to have a full blown town hootenanny at the drop of a hat, regardless of the day of the week, doggone it!

"Well, naturally, I assume I will be cast in the role of Rhett Butler or Luke Skywalker or whatever" said the Mayor who looks eerily like Danny DeVito - although considerably less handsome. "Although California is chocked full of aspiring actors with looks, talent, the ability to speak clearly so people can understand them and who possess a general screen presence that isn't all fidgety, I feel certain that the viewing audience is ready for some new, less polished talent to show them how it is done!!" he said, demonstrating once again his complete separation from any known reality that the rest of us participate in. "Sure, getting accustomed to that whole "Use the force, Luke! Use the force!" thing will be darn near impossible - since my name is not Luke, but I feel that it will all work out in the end. My nickname is "Gator" - so maybe I can get them to change all those 'Luke' references to "Gator" references. That will give it an air of authenticity!" said Danny DeVito, Jr. "Hey, I wonder if they will let me ride a horse? Horses scare me and easily manipulate me to their own evil ends, but all dashing heroes get to ride a horse! As long as I don't have to ride Nellie, the town mule. That mule hates me!" he said peevishly, although, in fact, Nellie does indeed hate him more than is right for any town mule to do. (See previous story on Nellie - the town mule - presented below)

"And anyway, what is that whole "force" thing about, after all? I mean, come on! Lamont relied heavily on Tekoa to get this whole mosquito thing under control - so why don't they just change that whole "Use the force, Luke. Use the force" nonsense to the much more accurate and realistic "Use Tekoa, Gator. Use Tekoa!"? Oh, I can just see the tear filled audiences standing all over this great nation, applauding our valor until their hands are numb and the movie theater management has to turn the hoses on them to get them to leave the theater. I just have a feeling this will be a smashing success!!!" he concluded with unbelievable levels of self-delusion. "And that is just going to creep me out if at the end of the movie those dang mosquitoes, in a deep, resonating voice say "I am your father, Gator. I am your father". That would just be wrong! I never liked that part in the original movie" he said to no one in particular.

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