May 25, 2009

Entire Town In Therapy After Local Handyman Offers "Help Your Neighbors For Free" Day

Although only the 2nd smallest town in the State and usually immune to such unspeakable horrors, the Town of Lamont came face to face with a scourge that has rendered many communities across this great nation completely devoid of all hope and spirit - leaving a path of desolation everywhere that belts and suspenders are in short supply and general 'handyman' type tasks need to get done. "Well, I love this great nation and wanted to honor our brave soldiers who made our way of life our way of life" said the 'handyman' in a rather circular and confusing manner . "So, although I normally charge the princely sum of $9 per hour, I figured it was high time I gave a little bit back to this community that has done so much for me - like forgetting about that unfortunate perm I had in high school and the time I decided to breed wolves with dogs and caused such a fuss" said Flem Snopes - a part-time ranch hand and general "Mr. Fix-It". "So, I passed word around that I was willing to work for free on Memorial Day. Well, needless to say every cheapskate and freeloader in town suddenly developed a water leak or creaking hinge or something. Oddly, almost the whole dern town took me up on it. I was really shocked at the overwhelmingly positive response!" said Flem. "I never knew I was so well respected in town. They must really admire and value my work product and professionalism!"

"Oh, the humanity! Oh, that was just wrong" said Mabel Bodine - a local farm wife - while wringing her poor dish rag like it was the neck of an unusually burdensome chicken or something. There is nothing in the world I love more than getting something for free, especially if that puts me in a dominant position over another human being - so when he came by and said he would work for nothing, I agreed immediately, naturally" she said. "So, I made up some story about hearing a weird noise under the sink and mentioned some strange odors that were coming from that general direction - even when my husband was not in the room - so he agreed to check it out for me. How was I to know that I would be exposed to a scene so horrible and inhumane that it would even turn 'me' from the path of wanting something for nothing. Do you realize what a powerful motivator that must have been? she said. "That was just so wrong. There needs to be a law against that sort of thing" she said indignantly. "I mean, how hard is it to keep your pants all the way up, for Pete's sake? Some views of the human body are just not meant to be shared with others - even in the confines of a sanctified marriage - let alone having them forced on you by some local guy you suckered into doing free work!"

"Well, it is not unusual for entire town's to participate in the same psychological event, but this is the first time a whole community commandeered a school bus fleet and showed up at my office all at the same time!" said Dr. Jessup Macintosh - and area psychoanalyst. "I mean, I have treated numerous people from the same small town in the Palouse, but this is the first time an entire town arrived for some serious psychological intervention" he said. "When I finally managed to squeeze myself into the overburdened waiting room - at first I had no idea what the heck was going on. All I heard were the mingled cries of "Oh, that was horrible" and "Ahh, I am blind, I'm blind, I say!" and, of course, the ever popular "I wish my husband looked that good from that angle" - but once I managed to sort it all out, I was able to get to the root of the problem. We often think that small towns are immune from the routine horrors that face much larger towns and cities, but this is proof that the whole 'crack epidemic" is truly national in scope - and obviously psychologically devastating in nature - even in little towns like Lamont" said Dr. Macintosh.

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