May 19, 2009

Lamont's Oldest Citizen Gives Secrets To Unnatural Longevity

Lamont's oldest citizen, Wilber Festoon, age 97, a long-time rancher, is the oldest living citizen of the town and the oldest person anyone ever 'heard tale of' living within the town limits. "Well, Wilber's long life is truly a testament to the natural resilience of the man and certainly gives credence to the age old expression "only the good die young" said Mabel Festoon Bodine, age 95, a younger sister. "Never in all my life would I have expected to walk this earth for so long with that no-good 'so-and-so'! He was such a terrible child, mean as a snake to me and my other siblings, it is just a pure miracle one of us didn't sneak into his room and render him senseless with a piece of firewood all those years ago! I always thought it was caused by that time he was taunting our bull and got stomped flat, but now I just think he is just pure mean. That dern bull had the right idea, after all - but none of us were smart enough to see it!" she said philosophically. "We all expected him to grow out of it at some point, but once a personality is set there is just no changing it. That man was just mean from the time he popped out of my poor mother until the present day. The bible talks about the advantages of being long suffering, and my brother Wilber has done more to remind me of the good Lord's words than any single individual I have ever known. How that man ever married a woman is just beyond my estimation. I just can't talk about him no more. I'm sorry. I love him and all, but I am still traumatized about that time in the 3rd grade that he ran my underwear up the flagpole at school - with me in them, for Pete's sake!! Can you believe that? Oh, the humiliation! I did not live down the nickname "Nickers Festoon" until I was well into my 60's!" she sobbed while storming off in a huff.

When asked about his lifestyle choices that allowed for such a long, rich life, (and after several rambling hours about the pitfalls of the 'no-good' Roosevelt administration and how the commies in the Democratic party lost China to 'them Reds'), the surprisingly spry and mentally active Wilber Festoon finally admitted the secret that prolonged his life. "Ketchup!" he stammered after pontificating on how Kennedy was too young to be president and how you can never trust a man with that much hair - and he is a catholic to boot - although that is okay in most cases! "I put ketchup on just about everything - and always have. I have put ketchup on my oatmeal every single day for the last 83 years. Plus, it is good on popcorn, donuts and I even mix it into my Ensure. When I have a sore throat, I take a teaspoon of ketchup. Skin rash (fungal or bacterial) - ketchup. Ingrown toenail - ketchup. Shin splints - ketchup. Sunburn - ketchup. Inflamed gallbladder - ketchup. It even works wonders on earaches!" he said, unfortunately painting an entirely unpleasant mental picture of the application process. "There, I told it - my secret is out - now everyone can live as long as me. Happy now?" he said while attempting to kick the shin of the interviewer under the table but stubbing his toe on the table leg instead. "I wish I would have had the sense to patent my discovery! Then I could have been rich and bought up all these here houses and evicted everyone out onto the street! That would show them" he said while painfully removing his shoe. "Hey, would you hand me that there bottle of ketchup - this dadburn toe is about the size of a turnip and is turning all blue and what-not" he said thru his few remaining gritted teeth - looking eerily like a Halloween pumpkin. "Ahhh. That's nice. (while slathering about 1/2 of the bottle on his ailing, ever-expanding toe) What a wonder drug! It works on whatever ails you!!!" he concluded while looking hopefully for another opportunity to get in another shin kick with his undamaged foot

1 comment:

A Prairie Home Book on Life Extension said...

(Sing along with Rich Dworsky of APHC)
Here in Lamont
Red plaid and bovines
Here people know
The cure for all ill signs
Life is flowing like ketchup on cooked swine

(Garrison Keillor chimes in)
Ketchup, for a painfully long life

(Take us to our prairie home, Rich)
Ketchup, ketchup, ketchup!