Aug 3, 2009

"It's Hot!" Says Local Man Without His Usual Outrageous Exaggeration Or Unnecessary Hyperbole

A local farmer/rancher, Chester Bodine, best known for saying 100 words when only 3-4 are needed, got right to the point when describing the weather, late Tuesday. Although known for concocting some of the biggest whoppers and elaborate 'tall tales' in the Town of Lamont's history and wasting untold 1000's of man-hours of the citizen's time in the process, Mr. Bodine, 54, proved once again that brevity is the well-spring of wisdom when his only rejoinder to his succinct and Spartan analysis of the local weather was to add the illuminating insight 'it's dang hot!'.

Although actual temperatures in the Town of Lamont have hovered right around 100 degrees for days on end, the heat is largely of the much preferred 'dry variety' - thus facilitating evaporation and allowing the body's natural cooling system to work at peak efficiency - assuming fluid intake remains at near record levels. "Well, like the man said, 'it's hot!'", said Festus Martin, a local amateur meteorologist and aspiring concert pianist (to say nothing of being a farmer/rancher!). "It's a doggone good thing that Lamont has some of the best dadburn water in the whole dagnab State, for Pete's sake. It almost makes restoring internal fluid equilibrium a real joy. Just the other day, that stupid bull I should have put on the cull list several years ago got a hankering to go traipsing thru Erma Bodine's garden and decided to have a late afternoon snack on those roses she is so proud of but that everyone thinks look like something that would grow out of the rubble of some bombed out building or something - so I had to get myself up off the couch, leave an excellent re-run of "Gun Smoke" and go fetch the thing. By the time I had managed to subdue the rebellious bovine and got him back to the barn (and after a stern lecture on the importance of respecting other people's property) I had worked up one towering thirst" said Festus. So, I did what 'my pappy' did before me, I sauntered over to the sink, turned on the tap (thus experiencing 82 psi of pressure first hand) and just plunged my head under there, mouth open, just a-gulpin' for all I was worth. When I emerged from the 'Noah-like deluge' about a half hour later, I was just as refreshed and spunky as a bummer lamb in a room full of recently lamb-less ewes!" he said, confusingly mixing animal metaphors. "Say what you want about the Town of Lamont, but we do have the best doggone drinking water in the State" he gushed, hoping to cut the interview short so he could make a much-needed pit stop at the 'little boy's room' before what is currently a dull ache becomes a raging tidal wave of pain and discomfort. - all due to the over-indulgence in a wonderful natural resource brought to the Town by the fine folks at Century West Engineering, the USDA, CDBG, et al..

For his part, the Town pontificator, Chester Bodine, is beating the heat by staying indoors, leafing thru gun magazines and whittling. Periodically he will call someone he knows who does not have Caller-ID to tell them about the 40 pound robin he just saw in the yard or to recount how his mothers toe-nails were so thick when he was a kid that she had to use the hedge clippers to trim them just to get her size 14 (men's!) dress shoes on so she could go to the local church. (sadly, this story is actually true!) Thankfully, temperatures will be dropping back into the 80's by mid-week so things should be returning to normal in Lamont - if such a set of circumstances has ever actually existed in the 2nd smallest Town in the State, that is.

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