Aug 27, 2009

Area Parrot Owner Gets Feathers All Ruffled Over Too Much 'Cow Talk'

An area woman, Erika "Doe", (her real name is being withheld to protect her against the inevitable rancher backlash for what amounts to 'cow heresy' in these parts) is at her wit's end after enduring what is, by all accounts, 'way too many conversations about cows, for Pete's sake!' Although she considers herself to be an animal lover in general and enjoys a good medium-rare steak like any normal red-blooded American, Mrs. Doe (not her real name) just feels it is high time to 'draw the line' when it comes to talking about cows day-in and day-out for decades on end. "Well, first off - cows are boring and there is just not enough new and exciting things going on with them to warrant the endless hours of daily conversation about the dumb yet surprisingly tasty beasts' said the always feisty (and controversial!!) Erika. "Living in the Palouse, you would think that the common cow was the only animal that made it off of Noah's ark and that every aspect of meaningful human existence somehow intersects at the herd level - or even worse - with individual cows. I mean come on! Let's broaden our animal repertoire already!" she stammered. "Cows are okay, but they are nothing when compared against even a below-average parrot."

Although parrots are not indigenous to the Pacific Northwest and have feet so ugly that they look like something that was left on the cutting room floor of the movie 'Jurassic Park' because they are too horrifying for the average movie-goer to look at (bird feet in general are eerily 'reptilian' in appearance - thus giving rise to speculation that birds in general and parrots in particular are in fact an advanced raiding party in the larger plan for the dinosaurs to re-conquer the earth and put mammals in there place where they belong). "Sure, my parrot's feet look like something that only Stephen King could dream up when he was in his prime, but if you look past that and just take the birds as a whole - they are pretty amazing! Did you know that the African Gray parrot has the intelligence of the average 5 year-old child? And they can talk!!! All cows ever do is look stupid, drool and make funny noises from the wrong end!" she said. "What is so exciting about that?" she bellowed. "Just once I would like to have someone talk to me about something besides a dadburn cow! If people around here would realize that there is more than one kind of animal in the world, maybe that might spur interest into other areas of human growth and enrichment. We have to start somewhere - so why not with the amazing parrot? Plus, they come in dazzling colors and can pretty much repeat anything you say - which can be a mixed blessing, if you know what I mean. I remember casually remarking on a neighbor's new hairstyle one day and the darn bird repeated the less-than flattering reference for a good nine months. That was a little embarrassing!" she said. "When my neighbor came over and the bird would repeat my poorly chosen words, I would have to fib and say that he picked it up from watching the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre' on DVD or something. That was more than a little awkward, to say the least" she concluded remorsefully.

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