Aug 10, 2009

Shock Poll: 79% Of Area Ranchers Unprepared For Potential Zombie Cow Attack

Although often heard bragging that they are prepared for just about everything man and nature can throw at them, a recent survey uncovered the uncomfortable truth that a vast majority of the tightly knit (some would say inbred) local community of livestock professionals (the few families that actually own cattle can be numbered on one hand and are more closely related by decades of inter-marriage than the royal families of Europe two centuries ago!) admit that they are basically unprepared for the obvious threat of their herds transforming themselves into a marauding band of stampeding undead - hell-bent on madness and mayhem throughout the region. What is commonly known within rancher circles as 'Condition Z' or "Hell on the Hoof', although not unprecedented, is historically-speaking relatively rare in the Palouse so local ranchers have, by and large, placed its perceived threat level somewhere below having an actual Democrat elected to office from this district - thus leaving area farms and ranches dangerously exposed to the zombie menace while doing nothing tangible to protect the region from the scourge of the Democratic party which in many ways could be much, much worse!

"Well, of course we are well aware of the threat from some sort of demonic bovine zombie transformation - I mean it happened to 'Old Man Snopes' back in 1966 (oddly, 'Old Man Snopes', age 72, was even called 'Old Man Snopes' 43 years ago although no one is exactly sure why)- but with so many other things on my plate (whittling, Gun Smoke reruns, leafing thru gun magazines, unsuccessfully trying to outsmart those coyotes, etc), I had to place this very real but less than immediate threat in the same 'future action item' pile as getting the kids braces for their teeth and taking the wife on that honeymoon (a romantic get-away weekend to beautiful Steptoe!) I promised her 22 years ago" said Buster Bodine, 57 - a local rancher. "I mean, it is a good idea to prepare for that eventuality and all, but with everything else I have going - there are just not enough hours in the day, I guess" he said sheepishly while glancing nervously at his suddenly pensive herd. "Sure, some of the cows have been acting a little squirrelly lately, but it is darn hard to tell the difference between a normal cow and one of those dang zombie cows - given that they both just lope around listlessly all day long making guttural mooing noises while drooling all over the place, for Pete's sake. I don't know how many times I pulled the whole dern family into the basement to hunker down until the zombie craziness ran its course only to realize 12-24 hours later that it was just another false alarm. That can be kind of embarrassing" he quipped. "And the kids miss enough school as it is with all them new-fangled illnesses and conditions made up by the drug companies to sell their latest product(s) without me pulling them into the basement every other day for some desperate last ditch stand against the 4-legged undead or whatever" he concluded reasonably, demonstrating once again why ranchers make such good and loving dads. "Kids need to be kids and they need their fancy book learning - even if their teeth are as crooked as a ragged, blown-down picket fence after an unusually nasty winter storm!" reflected the loving, gap-toothed father who steadfastly refuses to make the same mistakes as his less-than-stellar parents - except when it comes to getting the kids teeth fixed - or so it would appear, given that the youngest just turned 17 last month.

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