Aug 12, 2009

Town Women Mourn One-Year Anniversary Of Road Project Completion

Amidst a sea of black clothing coupled with no shortage a genuine anguish and tears (just a few of them of the crocodile variety - mostly from the husbands!), the women of the Town marked the one year anniversary of when the engineers and construction crews left Lamont for the last time, thus ending what was deemed by many to be the highlight of the Town's 100 year history - the now famous (or infamous) "Beefcake Bonanza" that corresponded with the road construction itself. The Town, the proud recipient of a generous grant from the outrageously well-managed and efficient Transportation Improvement Board (TIB) that paved a large portion of the 2nd smallest town in the State, was inundated with engineers and construction workers for months, thus increasing the use of certain adjectives like 'hot' and 'dreamy' and revitalizing old, tired exclamations like "Oh laa laa!!", and "Oh, lawd have mercy!!". (usually said while fanning oneself vigorously)

"Well, this is a dark day, that is all there is to it" said an unnamed housewife and budding beefcake connoisseur. "One year ago I actually had a reason to drag myself out of bed (normally around 4:00 AM to allow the requisite 3-4 hours (minimum!!!) of personal preparation time before construction work got underway in earnest!) so I could embrace another day and enjoy the wonders of nature" she sniffed. "I remember placing bets with myself over which dreamy engineer I would get to see that day and wondered if it would be hot enough so that the concrete guys would have to go shirtless. Oh, why did it have to end? Why does life have to be so cruel? Why can't that Mayor get off his lazy duff and get more grant money in here? The only reason I voted for Obama was because I thought that (ironically named!!) stimulus package would increase the chance of getting another major project in Lamont. Don't tell me I wasted my vote! Don't tell me I bought that $1,200 telephoto zoom lens for nothing!" she bellowed, yanking at her own hair with both hands. "Now all I've got to look at is my husband of 22 years, Bert. Oh, that is just so wrong. Oh, I have never felt so alone! Surely there is some sort of grant we could get. We'll take anything!!!"

Although thankful for the new roads and the decreased dust that goes along with actual pavement, a number of Town husbands also expressed remorse over the departure of Century West Engineering and the other construction professionals. "Well, all I remember were the really cool earth movers and stuff - that and the fact that my wife was too busy gawking to nag at me for the whole summer" said the now infamous 'Bert'. "I just remember her taking a lot of walks in clothes that went out of fashion right about the time the Beatles broke up - and her telling me to 'shush' as I walked in the room as she was peeking out the window for the 50th time that day - like any noise I made might somehow obstruct her view! The whole thing was crazy. Peaceful for a change, but crazy. I am not sure our marriage was ever better!" he said cheerfully. "Plus, those big machines were really cool. I'd give a kidney just to drive one of 'em! And my spleen, too - whatever that is!"

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