In one of those situations that can only occur in very small towns where a substantial (although not universal, by any means!) group of busy bodies live outside the Town and feel that they should control every aspect of life that takes place inside the Town limits (indeed, it is their right as an American, ain't it?), a quite determined and obviously energetic cabal of Lamont-area outsiders (some would say 'interlopers!') whose claim to the Town rests solely on the fact that Lamont is the closest municipal conglomeration to their rundown ranch or single-wide trailer or sod-covered hutch or whatever it is that they live in, have really got their somewhat thinning feathers soaked this time after the entire self-reinforcing group became convinced that the Mayor called their bitter, shrew-like, highly unpleasant and petty (don't forget snarky!) leader, Thelma Snopes, aged 54, a supposedly less than flattering name related to a barn animal that is not often even seen in the Palouse, doggone it! (Hey, why are there so few goats around here, anyway?) The latest in a long string of totally contrived and quite silly altercations between the brooding coven of malicious busy bodies (only a small percentage of the area folks fall into the 'malcontent category', thank goodness!) and the unfortunate Mayor began when it was reported to the Mayor that the so-called non-Lamont malcontents were amazingly against the new library (Oh yeah, did you hear we are getting a new library?? Yippee! Thank you County Commissioners! We love Whitman County!) on the grounds that no one in their right mind likes to read anymore (not when there is Oprah, for crying out loud!) and if they do read they would prefer to read at home and only in the bathroom! (That alone says volumes!) The Mayor, faced with less-than-well-reasoned foolishness like this on a regular basis, tried to diffuse the contemptible situation by saying "Oh, I feel certain that Thelma must be kidding". This single mayoral statement was, in fact, enough to trigger a quite extensive and ludicrous explosion that has rumbled thru the Greater Lamont Metropolitan Area ever since, at least in those jaded circles that love nothing more than listening to gossip and the basest of trash-talk. (Oh, why are some so eager to run to the drums of controversy over and over, like a dog returning to its own vomit? Doesn't anyone read their bibles anymore?)"Well, everyone knows that baby goats are called 'kids' - so if that poor, sweet, largely misunderstood and saintly Thelma was 'kidding', as that quite illustrative Mayor so indelicately puts it, then doesn't that mean that she has to be a dadburn goat?" screeched Elma Festoon, an area farm wife who lives 7 miles outside of Lamont. "He called her a doggone barn animal! I told you that he was a no-good Mayor!" she raved to anyone who would listen. (ironically, the attentive group that was 'all ears' tended to be the same overactive group of gossips and trouble-makers who all live outside the Town (with a few exceptions, unfortunately!) and who all tend to have weak or absentee husbands (the female gossips, anyway!) who, by definition, have shunned their biblical role as 'man of the house', thus allowing these select individuals to 'stir the Devil's caldron' on a more than regular basis with no matrimonial reproof of any kind.) (And remember, when one dines with the devil, it is a good idea to bring a very long spoon - or so the German expression goes!)
"Well, this is the last straw! The Lamont government has to fall now, for sure!" said the suddenly gleeful Bertha Bodine (with the first genuine (although cadaver-like!) smile in over 20 years!), an area farm wife/busy body who lives closer to St. John but claims Lamont for some darn reason. (Oh yeah, life is fair!) "Sure, we have no legal, moral, ethical and/or voter claim against that doggone duly elected Lamont government, but if we did not spend all of our time trying to tear down that annoyingly successful group over there, then how, in fact, would we be able to wile away our largely meaningless, mean-spirited and futile lives, anyway? And besides, they are cleaning up and building and making things look so nice, it just makes the so-called 'ruling elite' around here look bad for sitting by and doing nothing for 5+ decades while the Town declined and decayed! That just ain't right to let this go on, given that we cannot take all the credit for the improvements and all! That Mayor must be stopped, especially since he called that poor, sweet, generous Thelma "a stinky old goat that ain't worth a pitchfork full of rotten hay" ranted Bertha insanely. (Oh, how the story evolves with the telling!)
(Editorial Note: By the way, where are all the husbands of these women, anyway? (and the wives of the few male rabble-rousers?") Are they glad that their 'significant others' have something outside of their homes (and ranches) to focus their venom upon, thus drawing that poison farther away from themselves? (who could blame them?) It is time to step up, people! Reclaim your lives and your husbands/wives and do everyone a favor and keep your problems at home where they belong! Thank you!!)
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