May 2, 2010

Entire Town Of Rockford Breathes Collective Sigh Of Relief After Lamont Mayor Refrains From "Dancing" At Recent Fund Raiser

The charming and outrageously well-managed Town of Rockford was spared one of the penultimate horrors of the 21st century after the Mayor of Lamont, while attending a very well-organized and delightful 'Sadie Hawkins Dance' in the Rockford Grange, decided to sit on his hands (like a lump) versus joining in and demonstrating the one dance move that he actually knows (and, if the somewhat dubious rumors are to be believed, he practices when he is alone!) - the disturbing and largely anti-social (don't forget un-American!) "Rump Shaker" that has terrorized the Palouse since at least the late 1970's. "Well, he was our guest, so I guess that we would have been willing to put up with just about anything in the spirit of being a good host - but I think I can say, and I am speaking for more than myself here, that the way things turned out is probably the best possible outcome for all concerned" said an unnamed dance attendee while gazing lovingly up at the Heavens with genuine thanks and appreciation to our Maker who does indeed love and protect His children in the big things as well as the small. (Whoa! This was a big one! Huge!!)

"Well, as we sat there and were very graciously greeted by what in Lamont would be considered 'hoards of model citizens'; all of whom seemed nice, socially engaged, law abiding and no strangers to personal hygiene, I could not help but fume over how well they all seemed to like each other and get along!!" said the peevish Lamont Mayor with a look of stunned incredulity. "I mean, I was in that room for well over an hour and never once saw even the slightest hint of someone giving someone else the 'stink eye' and there were certainly none of those unfortunately unpleasant hand gestures that make living in Lamont so darn special. I am not kidding, it was actually a fun, friendly, positive, welcoming environment. After being the Mayor for 4 years, I must admit that all that friendliness and 'bon ami' kind of gave me the creeps! How can so many people in a Town genuinely like, respect and commingle with their fellow citizens without the prerequisite back biting, slanderous accusations, and just general crankiness that I assumed made up the core foundation of small town living in the Palouse, for Pete's sake? Lamont could never pull off something like that! That Micki Harnois and Darlene are doggone miracle workers, I say!!!" he said with jealousy-tinged admiration while pondering the unfairness of life itself.

Although the cute and successful Town of Rockford was spared the life changing (some would say sanity destroying) particulars of that decidedly pagan and unsettling 'Rump Shaker', the obviously appreciative and energetic crowd (Oh, that was just so wrong, too! The whole Town of Rockford was downright perky!!) did get to witness Ruth Simpson, a Lamont Councilperson, doing what we believe was called 'The Chicken Dance', which, if one is truly honest, was about 1,000,000 times more socially appropriate than that abomination that the Mayor would have unleashed on the unsuspecting and largely sheltered masses of Rockford, if for no other reason than it is the only dance move that he knows. (You just can't take him anywhere!)

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