May 1, 2010

Entire Area Bird Population Singles Out Local Mayor For Quite Unprecedented Aerial Bombardment (Based on a true story!)

In an orchestrated carpet bombing campaign not seen since the last days of WWII, the various and sundry species of birds in and around Lamont have joined in a rare bird-like confederation with what appears to be one diabolical mission in mind - the consistent and quite horrifying plastering of an elected official with a seemingly endless supply of 'bird you-know-what'! The Mayor, well seasoned to having this happen to him, being a small town Mayor and all (although not from the aviary members of the animal kingdom, however!), is facing this latest tragic development with characteristic pluck and overreaction, as is his nature, unfortunately. "Darn their beady little eyes!!" shouted the Mayor while shaking his fist at the suddenly ominous skies. "Every time I go outside it seems like squadrons of the flying beasts just seem to emerge out of nowhere in their obviously well-coordinated attempt to drive me back indoors and thus away from my vital (although largely ineffectual!) mayoral duties! Sparrows, finches, robins, blackbirds and now even that stupid hawk or eagle or whatever that nests in the park! I am now forced to do three loads of laundry a day, doggone it! What has gotten into those fanatical feathered fiends?" he sniveled from the supposedly safe confines of his covered front porch. (which, sadly, provided little actual protection against the smaller, more agile birds) "Anyway, I got this really cool hat from those outrageous show-offs over there in Long Beach (Why can't Lamont ever buy cool hats to give away? Doesn't that seem pretty basic?) after our Councilperson with questionable loyalty and even more suspect sanity vacationed over there and got a tour of how a real city operates if given halfway decent management, (sadly, Long Beach appears to be quite excellent in this regard! - Oh, and their planning department! Oh yeah, life is fair!) and the very first day I proudly wore the darn thing (it was, at one point, the nicest hat in the whole darn Town!) I was not outside my front door for more than three (3) minutes when some disgusting flying hellion made a strafing run at me and scored a direct hit right on my now prized possession! That was just so wrong! Thank goodness we never have any tourists - unlike that stupid Long Beach! And what are my cats doing while all of this is happening? Napping like the lazy beasts they are! (more like looking intently out the window at the altercation with smug, purr-filled satisfaction!). Has the whole doggone animal kingdom teamed up against me now?" he bellowed melodramatically to no one in particular.

"Well, although unpleasant at the best of times, I had to go see the Mayor about something or another and when I first laid eyes on him, I just naturally assumed that he had been either rather ineffectually painting a ceiling or had somehow developed one of the worst cases of dandruff on human record!" said Gomer Festoon, 53, an area farmer/rancher. "I mean, as I was trying to ask him a question he just kept slinking from covered place to covered place, glancing furtively up at the sky and yelling 'duck' from time to time before throwing himself to the ground and scrambling for whatever cover presented itself. I wanted to tell him that those birds were not ducks, but before I had a chance, a whole 'V' formation of migrating ducks flew right over him at treetop level (yes, they were gleefully quacking!) - thus making my quite snarky correction meaningless at that point, doggone it!" said Festoon. "Upon closer inspection I realized that our Mayor was somehow embroiled in some inter-species conflict well outside the bounds of my interest and/or concern, so I just left him standing there in the park, insanely raving something about "Is that all you've got! I've seen hummingbirds do better than that!! And you call yourself a heron!!!" and something about having chicken for dinner. It was all very disconcerting" concluded the suddenly grave Festoon.

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