May 11, 2010

That Outrageous Show-Off Municipality, Long Beach, WA - Unearths Giant Clam Bigger Than Entire Doggone Town Of Lamont!

In a rare commingling of the proverbial 'pouring salt into the wound' that was, in fact, the same injury that they seem to continue to heap insults upon, (whoa, that was poorly worded - but you get the drift!) the annoyingly successful and charming City of Long Beach once again managed to humble the 2nd smallest Town in the State without even trying (really, that is not that hard, if you get right down to it!) - this lack of effort, of course, makes it just that much more humiliating, for Pete's sake! That doggone Long Beach, having the unfair advantage of being nestled right up against the best ocean in the whole darn world (as opposed to being 'shoehorned' up against the eerie and forbidding 'Scablands' that are filled with despicable desperadoes and where rattlesnakes from across the globe love to go on their honeymoon!), - those rascals in Long Beach not only enjoy seemingly endless fragrant ocean breezes (as opposed to those unfortunate cattle related smells that Lamont must endure!), but they also get to observe dolphins and whales, have friendly tourists come to visit without actually having to bribe them, bask in the glory of high-speed internet - and (quite unfairly!) they also get to sample the bountiful harvest of fresh seafood from the Earth's abundance without driving 50+ miles to Spokane in a car that needs new tires and that suddenly developed an unsettling whistling noise after hitting some huge tumbleweed or whatever the heck that was.

"Well, this goes without saying, but it is a little unnerving to realize that Long Beach actually has clams that are bigger than our whole dern Town! Oh, like we needed that little reminder of our status in the Great State of Washington, for crying out loud!" bellowed the Mayor after recovering from an embarrassing swoon upon receiving the latest disturbing news from his arch-rival - that annoyingly well-planned and just plain cute City of Long Beach. (Oh yeah, life is fair! Long Beach is even a City while Lamont barely makes the definition of a Town! We are more like a half-baked hamlet or municipal cubby-hole or whatever!) "I mean, I know in the bare-knuckles brawl that is the cutthroat world of inter-city rivalry where one Town's loss is another Town's gain that showing weakness of any kind is just not done, but one would think that Long Beach, who obviously has everything that any sane Mayor could dream of (Like a store!!! Is one store too much to ask for?) would throw Lamont a bone from time to time! I mean, come on!!! I know they are good and all - but do they have to be THAT good?? Oh, why do they always get to be Cinderella while we are the frumpy step-sister with a bad case of 'BO' and a seemingly intractable acne problem?? Oh, when will this madness stop?" he ranted insanely while shaking his fist in the general direction of the Pacific Ocean. "Darn their eyes! Why must we live in a world with such pronounced 'haves and have-nots' on the civic and community level? And why does Long Beach always get to be the Prom King while Lamont is the nerdy, dateless geek who has to stay home from the prom (with his mom!) to work on some pathetic stamp collection or make model airplanes or whatever. (and so that the popular, hip, cooler, less population-challenged towns don't beat them up!) That is just so wrong on every conceivable level, doggone it! When will our day in the sun ever come?" he sniveled annoyingly.


Long Beach said...

Oh no, even the largest of bivalves can not hold a candle to the bovine pulchritude of Lamont. Once again, we who are stuck at the edge of the continent salute you, Lamont!

And here's wishing you a very happy birthday in the not too distant future!

Mark Perez said...

There was a day when we aspired to be a town, that day came and now we strive to be a city, but not just any city, a city like Long Beach, WA! Dare to dream...