May 21, 2010

Town Honors Fantastic Fairfield For Not Holding Their "Flag Day" On June 19th

The fabulous yet humble metropolis of Fairfield, WA seems to be the only town in the entire Pacific Northwest that is not attempting to horn in on and somehow diminish the Lamont 100 Year Festival being held on June 19th of this year. The stunningly decent Town of Fairfield, well known across the Palouse for their patriotic fervor as well as their quite outstanding Clerk/Treasurers, was obviously a Town that was brought up with a firm but loving mother who instilled the basic principles of showing respect for other Town's festivals, especially 100 year ones, and to take the high road and allow some smaller, less organized, downtrodden, largely unknown, hopelessly self-focused Town to have their day in the sun - as opposed to being outrageous glory hogs and attempting to glom onto June 19th just to make some other unnamed small town in far northwest Whitman County look bad, for Pete's sake! This totally exciting "Flag Day", which is by far the coolest event of the year next to the Lamont 100 Year Festival, is quite appropriately being held on June 11th, 12th and 13th (Good gravy! Three days! Lamont is borderline suicidal just planning some event on a single day from 11:00 to 5:00! Whoa! What organizational prowess! What 'get up and go!') and will include such things as a "Fun Run" (Isn't that some sort of an oxymoron? Oh, that whole concept is just so wrong on so many levels! Fun Run? How absurd!! The only way to have a successful Lamont 'Fun Run' would be to unleash the hounds!), a Fireman's Breakfast, a School Reunion, an Archery Competition (Oh, we could never do THAT in Lamont! Just think of the doggone body count!), a Kiddies Parade, a Flag Dedication, A Civil War Reenactment (Whoa! Ditto on the body count! Are they crazy? Lamont almost had actual bloodshed at the one and only chess tournament we unfortunately put on! Who would have thought that those chess nerds with their 'high water' pants and pocket protectors would be so doggone scrappy? What beasts!), a big party and a dance (What is with all this dancing? First Rockford and now Fairfield? Lamont could never get anyone to dance - at least not since the Snopes' moonshine still got all busted up by those doggone 'G-men' or whatever back in 2003!).

Anyway, normally Lamont would resent and attempt to undermine any small town with that level of organization and diversity of activities, but since they are not competing against our 100 Year Festival, we will focus our obviously abundant energies in that vein on those other so-called 'Towns' (you know who you are!) who had the bad taste to attempt to steal our municipal thunder (darn your eyes!). Come on, people! Can't you check with us first before holding some big shindig? Oh, the manners of this country are really going to hell-in-a-hand-basket, let me tell you! Get off your duffs and drive to Fairfield that weekend, folks! You can meet our new and quite outstanding Clerk/Treasurer (who also works wonders in Fairfield!) as well as pick up some much needed municipal manners that you will hopefully take home to your cities and towns and thus potentially avert a cultural catastrophe not seen since Billy Carter was allowed to run free in the White House with a 12 pack of 'Billy Beer' stuffed in his pants, for crying out loud! (Oh, how this nation ever survived that family we will never know!) Rumor has it that the Lamont contingent is trying to go to the main Fairfield event day, Saturday, June 12th, but you know how disorganized and hapless we are. But we might just see you there! Mark your calendars now or we might just get our old farmer/rancher motivational expert Bubba Bodine all 'gassed up' and have him make a little reminder call at your house when you have company! Believe me, you do not want that! (Oh, the horror!) Do yourself a favor and drive over to Fairfield on June 12th. Just remember, Bubba knows who has been naughty and nice... Don't say you weren't warned! Oh yeah, and don't forget to pick up some lentils while you are there! They have the best darn lentils in the whole doggone world! And you know what they say! "A day without lentils is like a day without sunshine!" And just think of all that fiber!

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