May 28, 2010

Annoying Seagulls Descend Upon Town - Mayor Unfairly Blames Rival Long Beach For Disturbing Spike In Town Guano Levels

Although literally 100's of miles from any ocean and a dozen miles from any large body of water, the lowly and largely misunderstood Town of Lamont was faced with yet another vexing dilemma after a surprisingly large number of white, noisy, largely fearless seagulls seemed to come out of nowhere and have taken up residence in the Town park, insiders report. (Probably because we do not have a doggone fairgrounds like that dadburn Rockford, WA does! Oh yeah, life is fair! I mean, what self-respecting bird would roost in a mere park while there is a decidedly superior and obviously more luxurious 'fairgrounds' just a short distance away - at least as the crow flies, anyway! I mean, come on). The wayward gulls, who seem unnaturally attracted to the newly refurbished picnic tables in the park in spite of several decidedly vain attempts to encourage the ingrates to fly to Sprague or Harrington or whatever, appear to consider these said picnic tables as the ultimate in 'restroom luxury' and have even been seen spiraling directly above the Mayor as he makes his way grudgingly to the newly painted office - while ineffectually shaking his fist at the sky the whole time! (Oh, when will he learn that that only encourages his adversaries?)

"Oh yeah, life is just peachy!" bellowed the Mayor while wiping some unfortunate substance off of his brand new shirt. "So, I guess that doggone Long Beach is no longer satisfied with mere metaphors when it comes to showing dominance over Lamont - so now they have to send their flying minions over here to do the job for real? (Good thing Lamont is not a fire hydrant!) Darn their eyes! I am sorry I ever picked a fight with them in the first place! Okay, we surrender! We give! Uncle! Happy now? Just call those doggone flying 'guano factories' back home and I promise I will never attempt to undermine Long Beach again!" he lied. "Oh, even our stupid cats are scared of the things. I saw one of my cats slinking thru the tall grass in an attempt to subdue one of the obviously unwelcome interlopers when one of his apparently 'eagle-eyed' gull brothers spied her somewhat clumsy approach and sounded the klaxon-like alarm - thus causing dozens of the winged fiends to take ominously to the air in a blink of an eye! My cat was so freaked out that all she could do was sprint home, belly to the ground while looking desperately over her shoulder in a hopeless attempt to ward off some unwelcome intrusion on her person (unfortunately, she was so startled by the sudden onslaught that she, too, did her fair share to contribute to the 'guano problem' in the park, doggone it! What a mess!) "Oh, when will this madness end? You don't see Lamont sending cows over to the Long Beach park to 'manure up' the place, now do you? What ever happened to fighting fair? That doggone Long Beach! They play for keeps, let me tell you!" he whined while contemplating some hair-brained scheme to somehow ship cows over to Long Beach to even the score! "I bet those huge Towns like Spangle and Fairfield don't have to put up with this sort of abuse!" he sniveled unconvincingly!


Long Beach said...

Mayor: Please stop stealing our seagulls. It's undignified. They are called seagulls for a reason. Unlike Long Beach, you have no sea. And unlike Lamont, we have no vast expanse of grain, so don't try that cow export trick either. And we don't have any jungle, so keep your parrots, too. I mean it, we want our "rats with wings" back, or there's gonna be inter-metropolitan warfare. Oh, and Happy Birthday! Long Beach

Lamont, Washington - email at said...

Oh, do they have to be so doggone gracious..? That is just so wrong! I guess they can afford to be gracious when we are covered from head to toe in 'bird droppings' that have the aroma of seaweed! Oh yeah, life is fair!