Sep 14, 2010

Area Bird Watching Group Condemns Lamont Blog For Shamelessly Referring To That Classic American Novel "To Kill A Mockingbird"

As if we needed any more proof that folks in the surrounding area of Lamont can find just about anything to complain about, an area bird watching group got their feathers all ruffled and their beaks out of joint when your humble Lamont Blog, in an unrelated breaking story about Lamont being sued by another town, pointed out that the opposing (and over-matched!) attorney in said lawsuit, a certain Atticus Finch (what is with all these bird names, for crying out loud?) would be leading the misguided crusade against Lamont in this frivolous travesty of justice. (Ha! Little do they know that Lamont just so happens to employ the best doggone small town lawyer in the State - an individual who strikes fear into even the most hardened malcontents at 200 yards - that legal mastermind and savvy advisor, Cindy McMullen herself! So bring it on, Mr. Finch! We just feel bad that your daughter Scout has to see you get so roughly handled by our quite awesome A-team legal mastermind, that's all! I mean, she is just a kid, or she was when the book was written in the 1960's or whatever!)

"Well, I just think that any literary or book-related reference is just unsupportable on the face of it, especially ones that draw attention to the wanton slaughter of millions of mockingbirds per year, just because these birds tend to make fun of people - and people don't like to be made fun of! Mockingbirds can't help it that they were born to mock! Sure, they go too far sometimes, but who doesn't? They are not called 'teasing-birds - and we all know teasing is easier for a person to take than a good mocking - but it ain't no dern reason to go committing cold blooded murder, now is it? Wait, do birds have warm blood or cold? They are related to them dinosaurs - so they must be cold blooded! Yep, they are cold blooded, that's right!" said the shockingly incoherent and rambling Dodo Festoon, 56, an area gossip and part-time farm wife. (Dodo has been making the news quite a lot lately! Where is her dern husband while she is out sowing discord?) "Anyway, when you get right down to it, it don't matter none about them birds, but if something has the word "Lamont" in it, me and my friends are going to complain. It don't matter a lick what it is. But this whole bird angle just kind of gives the impression that we care about something besides just causing trouble, although any dern fool who knows us knows that is a mighty tall tale indeed! We just like to cause a fuss, that's all!" stammered the excited Mrs. Festoon who unfortunately tends to spray spittle when she gets all agitated and talks too darn fast. "But mockingbirds have their place in the great - you know - that whole dern nature thing - and having any organization with the name "Lamont" in there running around all over the place talking about killing the poor things and unsettling that whole animal balance thing, whatever that is called, (Ah, let us guess - ecosystem, maybe?) is just wrong and needs to be stopped!" she rambled on, making more sense than is normally the case with her. "And those Lamont Blog people don't even own cows! And I bet they cannot tell the difference between barley and wheat when it first comes up in the field! (Well, she got us there! Dodo - 1 Lamont Blog - 0) So what do they know that matters a lick, anyway? They just need to shut up, listen to us on every aspect of life and leave them poor birds alone! All we care about is that whole nature thing. This ain't personal or nothing, it really ain't!" she concluded, giving credence to the age-old expression "Thou protest too much!"

(Editorial Note: Contrary to the quite unfair implications outlined in Dodo's scatological diatribe, the Lamont Blog is 'pro-bird' in general and 'pro-mockingbird' in particular. The Lamont Blog, as the premier news organ in all of far, far northwest Whitman County, takes our social and ecological responsibilities quite seriously, and, although we would like to boast that we would 'not hurt a fly' that is not strictly true, given how those darn things tend to fly in the back door and that doggone fly-swatter just always seems to be handy back there. But we can say we would never hurt a bird - although the same cannot be said for the Lamont Blog's cat, Scoop - although she is now so fat from all of those moles that the birds are safe from her until at least next June or July, at the soonest. Thank you!!)

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